Life of the Party

Posted on Mon Apr 15th, 2019 @ 6:15pm by Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox

Mission: Detours
Location: Corridors outside the Captain's Mess
Timeline: 2396, During the Dance Party

Inside the Captain's Mess, the party was going strong. Loud music and laughter could be heard well down the corridors of the deck of the U.S.S. Hera as the command crew enjoyed themselves inside. All except for Lieutenant Mnhei'sahe Dox.

Leaning against the bulkhead in the corridor a short walk away from the Mess, the anxious young Romulan pilot sighed. Standing in the brilliant green and purple feathered dress that was a gift from her mate, Mona Gonadie, Dox stood by herself overthinking. The party had been going just fine inside and everyone seemed to be having a wonderful time, but the socially awkward red-head found herself floating around aimlessly. The much more outgoing Mona had bounced around, dancing with everyone and having a great time, but it was an energy level the introverted Dox couldn't hope to match.

So, as nobody was paying much attention to the wallflower in the corner doing her level best attempt at dancing, that was little more than a gentle swaying in place, out of time with the music, she slipped out of the room an into the hall to try and pull herself back together.

Pulling away from social encounters was standard practice for Dox and one she had all but mastered during her uncomfortable and isolated years on Earth and at Starfleet Academy. But it was also something she had been making a concerted effort to be better about since her posting on the Hera, now well over six months ago. The Hera had been different. She had been making friends for the first time in her life since very early childhood. She had inexplicably found love. But she still felt alone in a crowd. And tonight, she felt doubly alone as she sulked in the corridor feeling sorry for herself.

In her hand was a half-empty glass of punch that she looked at, desperately wishing was instead a glass of Kali-fal. Inside at the party, there were copious amounts of the pale blue alcohol she had grown up on to be had, but she had chosen again to abstain. As her relationship with Mona had gotten much more serious, she had begun to try and step away from the drinking that had become like comfortable background noise for her life. It was a false comfort that served to fuel her self-pity, self-doubt and self-destructive behavior. It was the score to her pattern of anger and self-harm that she was desperately trying to change.

But it was also the friend that made it easier for her to not CARE about her self-pity. It was the warm hug that made her feel less alone in a room. It was the joke in the back of her mind that made it easier for her to smile in a crowd and be the sociable person people wanted to be around. Instead, she looked at the unsatisfying punch and sighed.

Since the Gaia incident of a few weeks ago now, Dox had been feeling more and more isolated from those around her. Since the great Titan had closed the psychic door in her mind, she felt increasingly alone. And in that isolation, old fears and insecurities had begun to take root.

Did anyone even notice she had left? Did anyone really care if they did? Was she a burden to those people that she dared to think of as friends?

As she withdrew, she felt those connections begin to wither. She had barely spoken to the person she thought of as her best friend, Asa Dael of late. The two saw each other professionally, but nothing beyond that. She was working on rebuilding her telepathic bond with Mona, but it was still weak and her mental retraining was going slowly and without much progress.

But that bottle cared. She looked across the room at it and sighed. It would be so easy to give up and take that drink. A few glasses and she wouldn't feel guilty for feeling self-pity anymore. She could feel free to feel whatever she wanted to again. All the ugly, self-hating thoughts that lived in her mind would be hers to feel without shame or remorse.

Slumping in the seat, she looked down at the brilliant green and purple dress that Mona had given her. The first gift Mona had given her the day she became a full Lieutenant and it felt like the future was an open horizon of possibilities and she hated herself for loving it. She hated herself for believing in that hope. She hated herself for wanting to belong.

But she did. And for the first time in her life, she was finally beginning to feel like she might have found her place and she wanted it. She wanted to hold on to that feeling and not let it go.

And she didn't want to drink that feeling away ever again.

After a few minutes, she knew that sooner or later, her absence would be noticed by someone and she could only be gone for so long before 'I had to go to the bathroom' would stop being a believable excuse. So she took a breath, shook off her nerves and stood back up.

Walking back over to the door, she re-adjusted the dress that she felt somewhat ridiculous in no matter how much she loved it, and forced an awkward smile back on her face trying to remind herself of the old mantra of 'fake it till you make it.' And letting out the long breath, she stepped back into the fray.