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Too Good to be Real

Posted on Tue Jun 25th, 2019 @ 2:36pm by Ensign Briaar Gavarus & Ensign Fiona O'Dell

Mission: Fractured Fairy Tales
Location: Risa?
Timeline: 2396 - After 'Hitchin' a Ride'

...Continued from 'Hitchin' a Ride'.

"This is Risa Control, you're on an approach vector of nine one niner. We're feeding the coordinates to your nav computer and you should be on a beach drinking a fruity cocktail inside five minutes, over."

Staring out of the cockpit of the smelly and disgusting freighter that they had escaped the truckstop from hell with, Briaar Gavarus and Fiona O'Dell could hardly believe their eyes as the looked at the lush, beautiful planet below.

Tabbing the comm key O'Dell responded. "Aye Risa Control, we read ye. recieving course heading noow..." The tiny test pilot tapped in the coordinates and the freighter angled down toward the planet on a landing vector.

"I dinna even care at this point. Somewhere we can git on some actual clothes and drink some actual drinks in the company a'strangers about whom we give no shits sounds abso-fookin-lutely perfect right now, aye?" The optimistic O'Dell grinned at the grouchy Gavarus, her mercurial mood already having changed at the arrival of good news.

"Risa? The shuttle isn't at... " Gavarus began to complain before shrugging and grabbed O'Dell's beer for a swig. "Oh, who the hell cares. It's Federation affiliated, our credit accounts will be honored and we can get into some real goddamn clothes and get a ride back to where we did leave the shuttle."

Taking another swig, she passed the bottle back to O'Dell, "And, as you said, get drunk enough to forget everything else that's happened."

"And be obnoxious jackholes to people who canna report us to the Lieutenant!" O'Dell grinned cheerfully.

------------

An hour later, standing at the bar of a kitschy tiki-themed establishment overlooking a spacious and lush beach, the unlikely duo had gotten cleaned up and chosen matching outfits of classic black suits, white button down shirts and slender black ties to go with their black sunglasses. Outfitted like criminals headed to rob a bank, blues musicians or men in black, they held aloft the third cheer since their arrival- Gavarus' a slushy sweet cocktail adorned with various fruits, and O'Dell's half-pint of bitters.

"Alreet, now this is a shoreleave, aye?"

"Beats the hell out of crazy space truckers trying to cheese my head, that's for damn sure, Fee!" Gavarus chuckled sarcastically as she took an enormous sip of her fruity, frozen concoction.

"I figure we can blow the rest of our time here, take a transport back to pick up the shuttle from the Hera and...." Suddenly, as she spoke and drank, the towering Tellarite locked up mid-sentence.

Slapping the bar top repeatedly, Gavarus scrunched up her face and winced. "OOOOH!! AAAH!!! Son of a bitch! Oooh! Drank to f... f... fast! Frickin' brain freeze! That's what I get for trying to think!"

"Hey... hey Briaar?," O'Dell tugged at Gavarus' sleeve, then pointed across the room. "I think a different model of yuir dream girl joost walked into the party like she was walkin onto a yacht..."

Sucking on the straw of her frozen drink, Gavarus peeked over the top of her sunglasses as a vision stepped into the wicker-covered tiki bar. Long auburn hair, wavy and wet from the ocean waves draped down wide, well-defined shoulders as a woman that looked like she would be right at home standing guard onboard the Hera. Her ample chest barely contained a wet, teal bikini top that heaved as she walked. Easily 5 cm taller than the 2-meter tall porcine engineer, the mystery woman strode across the room on impossibly long, thickly muscled legs. A towel wrapped around her tight, defined waist did nothing to obscure the jut of her hips as Gavarus stared the woman up and down like a slab of well-cooked beef.

O'Dell knew full well of her paunchy best friend's taste in Amazons, and watched Gavarus practically drooling as the virtual goddess took a stool at the opposite end of the bar from the pair.

“Soooooo…. Ye gonna chicken oot when she’s nivvir gonna see ye agin, or ye gonna go try ta climb the mountain?” O’Dell asked in her usual direct manner. "I mean, she’s vurrah pretty and she’s all lone over there. Ye only fail to succeed when ye stop trying, my dotty old Da used ta say.”

So saying, the petite pixie poked her porcine partner in the ribs, urging her to get off her barstool and take a chance on a vision that seemed to have been sent by the heavens solely to tempt the irascible engineer.

Sighing and taking another swig if her drink, Gavarus shrugged. "I think I've experienced enough horrors for one vacation, Fee. Let's just keep getting drunk and find out what else there is to do here and not worry about my non-existent love life, okay?"

“I’m already drunk!” the little lass of the Bringloidians by way of Mariposa declared, but internally she wasn’t giving up just yet. While the pleasures of the flesh were something that held no appeal for her, she knew that despite their friendship, Briaar Gavarus was still lonely and desired female companionship of the more intimate variety. Thus, as her best friend, it was Fiona O’Dell’s self-appointed duty to be a good wingman for her chum, and find a way to maneuver the situation so that the great beastie might just have to talk to the beautiful girl who almost looked a bit too perfect to be real.

“C’mon, let’s go roll some bones,” O’Dell decided, switching tactics. Maybe some wins at the tables would bolster her porky pal’s pluck. “After alla the bad luck we’ve had, surely we’re destined for some luck with cards or dice, aye?”

"@#$%ing A, Fee!" Gavarus downed the rest of her drink, ordered another one and a fresh beer for her pint-sized partner-in-crime and announced, "Lead the frickin' way! Let's wreck this place!"

“Like you in the reclamator after bean burrito day!” O’Dell cheered, taking her fresh beer and taking a small sip. After all, her alcohol tolerance was legendarily low, as she was even allergic to synthehol, and her 90 pound body weight made her a cheap drunk on the best of days, but she knew how to pace herself to not make herself sick.

Of course, she would get righteously hammered, but not have to be held by her hair as she puked up her toenails.

What followed was a haze of colorful scenes, beautiful people gathered around gaming tables, and O’Dell showing a surprising knack for gambling. The dice seemed to like her, she had a feel for the cards and only roulette seemed elusive to her, as a game of statistical odds and chance. They were considering switching to Dabo as they contemplated their small but significant pile of winnings, which had attracted a crowd who were now following the ‘lucky leprechaun’ from table to table.

“Well, we kin keep gambling if ye like, and we seem to have made friends. Or we could go get a massage or some overpriced meal or- hic!” O’Dell hiccupped hard, then apparently forgot what she was going to say as she looked up at Gavarus expectantly.

Taking a swig of a massive mug of beer she had switched over to, Gavarus laughed. "Well, I can ALWAYS frickin'eat, Fee. As for a massage, how about we keep our clothes on. I've been naked enough for one vacation."

Across from the table, out of the corner of her eye, the tipsy Tellarite noticed her dream girl again. This time, decked out in a slinky dark green dress sipping on a margarita. And as Gavarus looked over, she couldn't help but notice that the statuesque woman was looking back with the slightest of smiles, before turning her gaze elsewhere.

Brushing it off, the cranky Engineer turned to the cloud of hanger-ons that had taken in a tight orbit around the pair with a smuggling sneer. "As for our 'friends', they can find someone else to suck up to. Go, shoo, ya' frickin' Aldebran Vultures!" As she did, she waved them away with her fat, three fingered hands.

“Hey now, ma’am, this here little lady’s been bringin’ the luck of the irish everywhere she goes-“ a humanoid in an ugly suit with a big silly hat stared before O’Dell interrupted him.

“I’m nae irish, I’m froom Mariposa!” Which was both true and untrue, as the Bringloidians had been Irish who had resettled with the Mariposians. While that technically made her Mariposian, one would be hard pressed to find a more stereotypical Irish lass in the quadrant.

“Well, yuh shore do sound Irish. Anyway, she’s our little good luck charm! Y’can’t get her to quit while we’re all on a streak! Whattya say lil lady? Howbout some more craps? You and them dice is just magical together!”

“Nae, I dinna think so. Me partner in crime wants some food and I’m a wee bit peckinsh meself-“ O’Dell explained, which was when the gambler grabbed her by the arm to haul her back into the crowd.

“You can get some vittles later! Y’don’t quit on a hot streak-“ the insistent gambler replied as he tugged the puny pilot into the crowd, turning to say something else only to catch a nearly full beer mug in the face. It didn’t have much force behind it, but it was an accurate throw, and the dark beer splashed all over him even as he was momentarily startled.

“You let go ‘ame ya spalleen or the only luck yuir g’win ta have is the kind that nivvir makes bairns n’more!” O’Dell pulled, trying to free herself from the gambler’s grip, even as more people joined in to ‘convince’ her to keep gambling. Even as she punched the gambler in the crotch, the crowd was beginning to get ugly- that beer had splashed quite a few of the crowd, and they were turning ugly fast. Some of them didn’t have far to go, either.

“Briaar!” O’Dell squeaked in panic as the crowd threatened to swallow her up.

For a woman that was 2 meters tall and nearly 180 kilograms, Briaar Gavarus was a notorious and inexplicable wimp when it came to having to fight. But she was drunk and angry and having just fought their way through a truckstop of monsters, riding a bit of an adrenaline high.

So seeing her best friend being grabbed and pawed at against her will was enough, combined with taking a massive swig of liquid courage, to push her into action. She slammed her now empty mug down and leaned in, screaming in the face of the man in the ridiculous face, "YOU GET YOUR MOTHER@#$&ING HANDS OFF OF HER BEFORE I @#$ING EAT THEM, YOU PIECES OF SHIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!!!!"

Her curse stretched out into an exaggerated and ear piercing, swine-like squeal that preceeded Gavarus beginning to swing and flail wildly, eyes closed, at the people grabbing at O'Dell. It was a cartoonishly display that looked more like a little girl trying to seat away at a swarm of bees. All the while, Gavarus continued to squeal, her teeth clenched to reveal her generally hidden tusks! "SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

As a brawl broke out amongst the patrons, O'Dell managed to wriggle free of the grip of the gambling addict. Spotting Gavarus was no problem, since she was head and shoulders above the crowd, squealing and flailing about with her eyes shut. Kicking her lightly in the shins caused the Tellarite terror to pause and open her eyes, at which point O'Dell grabbed her hand and led her off, ducking under a table to evade the brawl and move from table to table, scooting along on their hands and knees, occasionally tripping brawl participants in their passing.

The brawl which they had started, of course.

"Shit! Uh, did I actually hit anything, Fee?" Gavarus snickered, slightly embarrassed by her display.

"Hell should I know. I was busy gettin' dragged to a craps table like an unruly brat," Fiona scoffed. "Laird we suck in fights. I swear, violence starts and I joost forget alla that judo shite they taught us in the Academy. I was one step shy of bitin' the bastard when you waded in. Thanks fuir the save, aye, chum?" As she spoke, O'Dell watched for the opportunity, then quickly scoot crawled to the next table, one step closer to the exit.

Following as close behind as possible, Gavarus continued to bang her head on the underside of the tables. "Shit! Ow! Yeah, I sucked so hard at judo. I have seven brothers, I never had to fight. Someone was mean to me and one of them always stepped in. Them or my sister, Creair. She loves getting in fights. Frickin' psychopath."

"Wait... hold on, Fee." Gavarus paused, sniffing slightly. Reaching up to the surface of the table they were under, she pulled back to mostly full bottles of beer. "Let's see... Rigelian Stout annnnd.. ooh. And Apple Indirian Pale Ale." On her knees, the sarcastic Engineer grinned like a kid with her hand in the cookie jar as she wiggled the bottles at O'Dell.

"Pick your poison, Fee."

“Stout fer me, nunna that canoe sex…” the mischievous maiden replied, then noted the questioning look on her partner’s face. “S’like fookin close ta water, aye?” Clinking the bottles together, O’Dell took a sip, made a thinking face then nodded. “Not too shabby. Whattye say, let’s make for the exit and find ourselves a boofet somewhere that ye kin punish?”

Taking a long swig, Gavarus looked back at the cloud of chaos behind them. "Hmm... It's apple-y. I like it. Okay. The coast is clear! Ready when you are."

Scooting out from underneath the table, O’Dell broke into a run, keeping her head down and zig-zagging like a squirrel in traffic to finish escaping the casino floor. Arriving in the capacious hotel lobby, she stood, brushed off her black slacks, straightened her tie and tucked her shirt in again as she waited for Gavarus to make it to safety.

As she waitied, there came a loud thud, a crash and the unmistakable sound of Briaar Gavarus letting out a litany of curses as she came busting through the exit doors into the lobby.

"Goddamn short ass card tables! Screw it, they've got people to clean that up. And on the plus, the knocked over table is blocking that door now." Gavarus grumbled as she rubbed her head, having clearly knocked one of the massive card tables over with her head when she got up. "Gods, I'm frickin' starving now."

“Aye… the world weren’t built for folks yuir size, mate,” O’Dell patted the flight engineer on the pack gently. “Let’s go wreck a buffet, then we’ll go find a shady spot oot by the pool and ye kin girlwatch from behind yuir shades and I promise nae to try ta make ye talk to inny of ‘em, aye?”

Which was when the Amazonian dream girl Gavarus had noticed earlier swept past their field of vision, on her way to the all-you-can-eat restaurant.

"Yeah, that... sounds..." Gavarus trailed off as the sweeping vision caught her eye. "...perfect."

Shaking the moment off, Gavarus adjusted her askew sunglasses and neck tie and cleared her throat. "Uh... yeah. Buffet wrecking it is. Let's get on it before those assholes in there decide to follow."

As she spoke, Gavarus started heading towards the restaurant, her attention half on her conversation with O'Dell and half on the dream girl in the slinky green dress ahead of them.


“Sweet mother macree, I think they got real potatoes!” O’Dell noted as they inspected the fare. “I’m g’win ta eat me body weight in potatoes. And steak, cuz we’ve still nae minotaurs in the department yet. Every time I try to eat chicken noow, I just see Chief Gonadie lookin’ at me all sad-like.”

Noticing how distracted the unlucky at love engineer was, and spotting the source of said distraction, O’Dell sighed. Despite their friendship, she could tell that Gavarus was a little lonely for the kind of company that her puny partner in crime couldn’t provide. Besides, it might do her some good to get laid and blow off some steam. Yet at the same time, it always seemed to go so badly for her that Fiona wasn’t terribly willing to push the subject any longer. If Briaar wanted to climb a mountain, she was going to have to approach the mountain herself.

Filling her plate with an assortment of food that was mostly going to go to waste, given O’Dell’s small storage capacity, the tiny test pilot made her way to a table, setting them close enough so that Gavarus would see her dream girl without them being close enough to be overheard by her. Of course, O’Dell also sat with her back to the slinky amazon, so that her pal could stealk glances and work herself up into a lather.

Non-interference didn’t mean full on avoidance, after all.

Sitting down across from, Gavarus a cartoonishly filled plate loaded with two baked potatoes, vegetable stir fry, four ears of sweet corn. As she sat, she caught sight of her dream girl, who had an equally filled plate.

"Shit... It's..." Gavarus tried to burry her head in her plate as she noticed the mystery woman looking her way. "FEE! She looking at me!?!"

“Then smile at her and wave, ye dope,” O’Dell mumbled around a mouthful of mashed potatoes that had turned out to be all replicated crap anyway, which was disappointing to the small stereotype.

With a mouthful of corn and a smear of butter across her chin, Gavarus gave up the most awkward, uncomfortable smile possible and wiggled her fingers weekly in the air. As she did, the Auburn haired vision across the room grinned and giggled slightly in a way that even the self-effacing Tellarite could tell was positive.

Gulping, she went to whisper to O'Dell, but instead began involuntarily choking on a chunk of the cob she had gnawed off that found itself stuck in her throat. "HHHRROOOOORRKKKKK!!!"

The mortified Engineer's eyes went wide with panic as she tried to nudge herself in the gut to get the obstruction out.

"Ach, fer crissakes Gavarus," O'Dell rolled her eyes as once again, when she wanted to communicate with a pretty girl, Gavarus' gut somehow malfunctioned. "Every damn time."

"Ye're right stook, aren't ye? Alreet..." Sliding out of her chair, the midget Mariposian eyed the girth of her porcine pal's generous gut, and realized two facts in short order. There was no way she could get her artms around the tubby Tellarite's midsection, anbd she wasn't completely sure of where the two stoimachs of Tellarites were located in their thoracic cavities.

The 90 pound weakling knew she couldn't just slug her chum in the gut to get it out, but then she hit on an idea. Backing up, she took a running start and hurled herself at Gavarus' gut at full speed, holding her arms crossed before her to protect her neck.

With a decent amount of force, O'Dell impacted with Gavarus' middle. Then, with a massive grunt, the chunk of corn cob ejected itself forcefully from the porcine woman's throat.

Time seemed to stand still as the projectile of chewed cob flew in an arc across room, whacking hard against the back of another diner's head. O'Dell, for her part, wobbled back unsteadily, until strong soft hands steadied her. Blinking rapidly as stars swam in her vision, O'Dell turned around to a faceful of perfumed cleavage. Shaking her head she backpedalled to get a bit of distance and perspective, only to stagger back into Gavarus.

Meanwhile, the goddess in green was standing back up and stepping over tofinish closing the distance between them.

"Is your little friend okay? I was coming over when I realized she couldn't clear your airway, but it looks like she's a plucky one." The auburn-haired collections of curves, dewey dark eyes and a dazzling yet shy smile, demurely tucked a lock of hair behind her ear as she smiled a bit awkwardly.

Blinking and catching her breath, Gavarus looked down at O'Dell then back up. "Uh... *Cough*... Yeah. She's got a hard head. Fiona's little but she'll mess ya' up if she has to. Or save your life. Whatever... Whatever comes first. *Cough*"

Coughing through her hoarse throat, Gavarus grabbed a pitcher of water off the table next to them much to the surprise of it's occupants. "Sorry... still kinda... hold on."

Holding a finger up, Gavarus chugged half the pitcher down to soothe her scratchy throat. "I'm... *Gasp* we're fine. We're both fine. Me and her. She. My friend. Friends.Yeah. Friends. You're fine, right, Fee?"

Nervously, she fumbled through her words trying to express that the pair were not a couple with all the subtlety of a drunk Ferengi.

"Halloo! I'm Fiona, this is Briaar, and why don't ye join us for dinner? I daresay we've the finest table in the entire boofay!" O'Dell grinned charmingly on command, an irrepressible urchin whom the charmed beauty couldn't resist.

"Well, all right... that sounds nice!" As the bounteous beauty returned to her table to fetch her plates, O'Dell snatched a napkin off the table and shoved it up by Gavarus' face.

"Wipe yuir moosh and dust off yuir shirt, then wait fer her to seat herself, then ye siddown, aye?" she hissed at high speed before the curvaceous charmer returned, setting her plates from the buffet down... all 4 of them.

Following the advice of her insistent wing-woman, Briaar grabbed the napkin and wiped her face off and adjusted her suit as she took in the massive spread the mysterious and oddly friendly woman had just sat down. Four filled plates, not pork products and an inexplicably warm smile.

The ample Amazon in green sat down at the table, looking up at the flustered Tellarite the whole time. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, Gavarus looked first at her then over to Fiona who, sitting back down herself, gestured with her eyes for Gavarus to do the same.

Sitting down, the massively Porcine woman's seat slid slightly, making an exceedingly loud dragging sound against the floor. "Uh... Heh heh... Uh... Hullo."

"Hello... it was very kind of you to ask me to sit with you. Are you from around here?" When the fetching Amazon spoke, her voice was light and gentle on Gavarus' ears, her smile a shy but charming one as her eye contact locked onto those of the flustered engineer's... eyes which were rimmed in dark makeup and eyeshadow, yet were themselves a much warmer brown than Gavarus had expected, which seemed to almost sparkle as they reflected the light.

Taking up her fork, the mystery girl leaned in, the cut of her emerald dress and her arms pressing her tanned soft and generous breasts together, making that eye contact harder as she speared a half dozen grilled bologinus roots to wedge them into her mouth, demonstrating a clear appetite that was unusual to see in a woman, although somewhat par for the course for a woman this size, one might imagine.

Remaining silent as she sat beside her swininsh sidekick, O'Dell poked Gavarus under the table to prompt her to answer.

"Uh..." Gavarus was stunned out of her somewhat creepy staring by O'Dell's insistent poking. "Us? Uh... No. I'm from Tellar Prime and Fiona is from Mariposa. But we're both here on... Shore leave from our ship. On... ya'know... vacation. Uh... relaxing?"

"Oh, me too! I'm a fitness model on a holonet channel, the Busenwonder channel? I know, I'm kind of big for it, but they are making a lot of strides oin body acceptance these days." she said as she ate. While she was putting it away at a speed that would do Gavarus proud, she was still managing to do so while maintaining ladylike manners. "I came to do a swimsuit shoot, but my photographer still isn't here yet and won't be until tomorrow. So until then I;m all alone on this beautiful resort planet, no one to share it with..." The bounteous beauty sighed, a somewhat seismic affair.

"Yeah, I saw you come in off the beach, you looked great so I can see that." As she spoke, Gavarus'face went beat red. "I mean... as a career... that seems... good... because uh... you're pretty." As soon as the words left her mouth, she shoved another ear off corn in to shut herself up.

"Briaar here's an experimental flight systems engineer. And a test pilot ta boot!" O'Dell interjected, and the fitness model's eyes lit up.

"Wow, that sounds exciting!" she gushed. "You must be really smart and, y'know... good with your hands...?" The vision of loveliness blushed and smiled nervously at her own joke.

Swallowing, Gavarus looked down at her thick, three fingered hands and bit the bottom of her lip. "Uh... Fiona's the test pilot. I'm just her engineering support. And our supervisor is the smart one. I'm not... they do all the smart work really."

"Ach, she's joost modest is all," O'Dell slapped Gavarus on the bicep with a backhad, flashing a frown at her. "She's dead brilliant she is. I'm joost the clever monkey quick wi'me hands. Briaar here's the brains. Ach, lookit me, runnin me mouth alla this time and bein so rude! Me name's Fiona, this here is Briaaar, and..."

"Oh! I'm so sorry, it slipped my mind," the dream girl drew back in surprise, then offered her hand across the table. "My name's Monica, it's so very nice to meet you."

Long lashes fluttered over warm brown eyes as the buff and beautiful babe spoke, as an exotic hint of her light floral perfume wafted to the nostrils of the space pig's sensitive snout, a sharp contrast to her sidekick, who perpetually smelled like Irish Spring soap.

For an instant, Gavarus thought the perfume might cause her to sneeze or do something equally embarrassing as she felt her nose tickle. But she was keeping herself from ejecting anything out of her body for a solid two minutes now and didn't quite know how.

She was a stuttering mess. She almost choked to death on a corn cob. She openly called this 'Monica' pretty and didn't spontaneously combust immediately thereafter. In her mind, this was all about as inexplicable as their time in a space harem or the truckstop from hell. She had never even had a hint of game in her life, and this perfect vision was responsive and seemed to actually be reciprocating Briaar's attentions.

"Did... did we die, Fee? Did the hillbilly kill us and this is some weird, death throws hallucination?" Gavarus whispered as she pretended to take a drink of water.

"Whist!" Fiona said crossly as she took the Tellarite engineer's hand and brought it up to shake that of the woman opposite her. "She's charmed to make yuir acquaintance, Monica. Aren't ye, Briar?"

As the impossible woman sitting across from her took her thick, three fingered hand in her own, Gavarus' swallowed loudly and offered an awkward smile. Bit at least this time, she wasn't belching or throwing up.

Nervously, Gavarus held the woman's hand a bit harder then was probably necessary, shaking it like the two were men in a dick measuring contest. "Uh... Yes. Charmed. Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Hello."

"So, rather then me bein' a third wheel here wi' alla me gradiose speechifyin' and me arch phrasing..." Fiona was going on, when next top their table a doorway appeared. A doorway that looked suspiciously like the entrance to a holosuite.

"Ach... fuir the luvva jaysis..." O'Dell facepalmed, then tepped Gavarus on the shoulder to point to the arch.

"Not now, Fee. I'm actually...." As she spoke, Gavarus turned her head towards her diminutive wing-woman and saw the arch and doorway standing in the middle of the room suddenly. "...talking to... her... Shiiiiiiiittt."

Sighing, the annoyed Engineer scrunched her face and looked back at the beauty that seemed too good to be real... and realized she wasn't. "Computer, freeze program "

Instantly, the woman and everything else in the room simply froze in place as the dominoes in Gavarus' head finally fell into place.

The stars in space that didn't match any known starmaps. Cameras and door panels without functional interiors. A girl that seemed to like her. Delicately, Gavarus slid her plate out of the way and put her head, face down on the table and began slowly rapping her forehead against the hard surface.

Getting up from her chair to tap at the panel, O'Dell reviewed the information, then returned to stand next to her friend sheepishly. "Well, I'm a darlin idjit. It, ah, says that I booked the suite fer a buncha adventures, and with the continuous play option, so one scenario led to the next. I, um, I think I programmed it when I was a tetch blackout drunk, so, ah..."

Peeking around to try to catch the eye of the Tellarite, the mariposian looked contrite. "M'sorry Briaar. I think i was tryin ta make sure ye had a good time, so i took ye to a harem and I dinna know what I was thinkin with the murder trucker and... I'm vurrah and truly sorry, Briiar. I am."

Lifting her head slowly from the table, Gavarus looked over to O'Dell who looked like a sad puppy. "How in the hell were you so drunk you could program all this and yet not remember... never mind. I don't want to know."

Reaching across the table, Gavarus grabbed a large bottle of beer and chugged the entire thing in one massive swig. She thought about the ridiculous scenarios and, though upset, knew that Fiona did mean well in her own weird, drunk way.

Standing up, the towering Tellarite straightened her jacket and calmly walked across the table to the still frozen figure of her dream girl, leaned over and planted a massive kiss on her photonic face.

As for Fiona O'Dell, she stood by awkwardly, not really knowing what to say.

After a solid four seconds, Gavarus straightened up, wiped her face and announced, "Computer, end frickin' program." As the environment rippled out of existence.

"Kin... Ah buy ye a beer?" O'Dell asked gingerly?

Sighing lightly, Gavarus wasn't really mad at Fiona. Murder-truckers aside, it wasn't hard to imagine how arranging a dream-hook up made perfect sense as a good idea to her black-out drunk best friend at the time. It was even oddly sweet in a weird way.

"Oh yeah..." Gavarus replied. "You can absolutely buy me a drink. You are buying ALL my drinks at least until we get back to the Hera." The towering Tellarite looked down at her diminutive best friend, putting the replicated sunglasses back on with a sly grin that told Fiona that all was okay.

“Well, seems the least I could do…” the midget Mariposian replied in a squeakier than usual voice. Still feeling badly over accidentally hurting her pal’s feelings in ham-fistedly trying to get her a successful date, she shoved open the door of the holosuite to re-enter the faux Irish Pub they had entered from, and stalked her way to the bar. As she clambered up onto a barstool to order, the bartender, who had served them when last they sat at the bar, smirked in their general direction.

“So did you two have a good time in there? You were in there long enough. Maybe next time don’t leave an open tab on it, because people were just punching in scenarios for you. Did you enjoy the ‘Truckstop Of Horror’ episode? That was my personal addition,” the bartender offered with a smirk. Which turned out to be a mistake, as a steady stream of angry invectives began erupting from the tiny test pilot.

"Why ye no-good rotten dirty spalleen! Go hifreann leat! Briseadh agus brú ar do chnámha!" By the time she was finished properly cursing out the bartender, O'Dell was now climbing up onto the bar, preparing to launch herself at the barkeep like a midget wrestler.

For her part, Gavarus grabbed her pint-sized partner and pulled her back to her stool. "Calm down, Fee! We don't need to start a frickin' bar fight! We're both okay and... and..." But her calm was broken when she glanced back at the Bartender, who had the biggest shit eating grin stretched across his face, extremely pleased with himself.

"Oh, @#$% it! It's ON, MOTHER@#$%ER!! Letting go of O'Dell, Gavarus herself began clamoring up all two meters of her hefty body up on the bar as she attempted to launch herself in a rage at the bartender.

"HOLY SHIT!!!" he yelled, as 180 kilograms of porcine engineer tackled him to the ground behind the bar, squealing.

O'Dell was prepared to follow when she saw security force flashing lights outside. Vaulting lightly over the bar, the lithe leprechaun stayed the hand of her angry partner, and addressed the stricken bartender.

"Ye wipe our tab, ye forget we were ever here. Otherwise we get kicked out of the fleet, and we've got nothin' better ta do than spend the rest of our days right here, coming into this shitty pub and startin' trouble and scarin' the customers. Got it?"

The bartender, realizing the living hell the two drunken weirdos could make for him, agreed. Pulling out his handheld, he wiped their tab as the security forces burst in through the front doors. Pointing to the backdoor, the rambunctious redhead stayed low and scooted for the kitchen.

"CrapCrapCrapCrapCrap!!! Really? Crouching again?!" Scooting behind O'Dell, Gavarus rolled into the kitchen through the door unseen. "Why can't this be a frickin' holosim? I was totally about to kick that guys ass! I was gonna kick that guys ass, right Fee?"

"Ye were nae g'win ta kick his ares, ye DONE kicked his arse!" O'Dell darted through the kitchen, past the startled dishwasher and out the back door. The mop of scarlet curls wagged this way and that as the short stunt pilot looked around wildly for the shuttle lot where they had parked the little starship.

Being a few heads taller, Gavarus spotted the shuttle first. "Damn Frickin' Skippy, I did! There it is! Let's get the hell out of here!"

The pair ran across the street to the parking structure where they hopped back into the waiting shuttlecraft. "Well, that all happened. I don't know about you, Fee. But I'm all vacationed out."

"Aye... so, do we go back ta the ship, or do we fiund a poob on the other side of the world where nobody knows us yet, and get ourselves good and crocked before we have to go back on duty?" O'Dell asked as she warmed up the shuttle, running a fast preflight check.

Flumping down in the co-pilots seat next to O'Dell, Gavarus sighed as she looked at the consoles and pondered for a minute. "Weeeeellllll... We've still got time. And I could certainly use a few more drinks to wipe away some memories."

"Nowhere with a @#$&ing holosuite, though!"

 

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