Reflections

Posted on Fri Jul 5th, 2019 @ 11:53am by Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox

Mission: Fractured Fairy Tales
Location: Deck 8, Crew Quarters
Timeline: 2396

Personal log, Stardate 2396.6.24. Lieutenant Mnhei'sahe Dox.

In a few days from now, I'm getting married.

Married. Me. I'm still having difficulty processing that concept. I have been on the U.S.S. Hera just nine months and in that time, I've almost lost track of how much this ship and my time here has transformed me.

When I think about Mona... Ensign Gonadie... I can hardly imagine living life without her. I was attracted to her from the moment I met her for my flight simulation test in the Flight Control Office with her and Rita. Of course, I was a nervous, stuttering wreck and felt like I was going to throw up most of that day anyway, and I buried my feelings to the best of my ability. Relationships were something that I convinced myself were... for other people. Better people. Not broken, fat little Romulan girls.

But something happened over those months that somehow feel like a lifetime and not just a little less than a year. I started changing. Becoming more comfortable. More at home here. I started to feel like you were supposed to in Starfleet, but never had before. Like a part of something bigger.

A lot of that was Rita, of course. A lot of everything is Rita. She believed in me when I couldn't explain why and still don't really understand. And, ironically, a lot of that was having a god go rifling through my head, digging up parts of myself that I chose to forget. To protect myself from my memories.

But I can't do that anymore. Not if I want to be the kind of woman that actually deserves to be bonded to Mona Gonadie. And she deserves so much more than I can give her. She is a literal light in my darkness and I'm still terrified that I'll pull her down with me. But I have to try and stop thinking like that. I have to be better than I was. I have to.

And I suppose that's something to work for. Her. I mean, it's good to want to be better for yourself, but it's not always as easy to stay motivated for that. It's easy to fall back into old habits. Drinking... hurting myself... and worse. Things I don't want to do anymore. Things I don't want to think about anymore. That's a person I don't want to be anymore. But I have Mona. And for Mona, I need to be better. I will be. It's difficult to trust that she won't go away, but even I can't deny it.

She's literally a part of me now. And in a few days, that will be official.