Observing the Observer

Posted on Fri Jan 24th, 2020 @ 10:46am by Kodria Mizu & Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox & Lieutenant JG V'lera
Edited on on Fri Jan 24th, 2020 @ 11:05am

Mission: Neutral Zone Neutrality
Location: Observation lounge Seventeen, Holodeck 1
Timeline: 2397

Observation Lounge Seventeen was located in the Port Pylon of the U.S.S. Hera, located one level below the connection to the warp nacelle. It was an exceedingly small chamber with a replicator, a single table with six chairs, and in place of a plastisteel window, was a retractable panel that turned out to be one of the best, unobstructed views into open space on the ship.

It was also, by and large, usually quite empty. It was one of the most empty, quiet places one could go on the starship, save one’s own quarters. However, the hum of the engines was pronounced there, being located right below a nacelle, so it was rare for anyone to be in here when the ship was at warp, as it was at the moment.

However, the hum of warp engines was, generally speaking, quite relaxing to Lieutenant Commander Mnhei’sahe Dox, and the Romulan flight chief favored this particular location to meditate in, more often than not. With the screen down and the force field activated, the room was filled with the purple glow of the ships warp field and the streaking stars that recced away from the ship. One of the six chairs was turned towards the window and a cup of coffee and a crimson shoulder bag rested on the table as Mnhei’sahe sat on the turned towards the window.

With eyes closed, the young red-headed officer concentrated on her breathing. She was wearing a pair of black pants and a tight, crimson-colored work-out top and a pair of black running shoes as she tried to regulate her breathing and relax. In her mind, she tried to visualize the image of Mount Selaya on Vulcan as she had been trained to by Commander Sonak, but this evening as she was just coming off of her shift with a few hours to kill before her wife was done with her own shift, concentrating and calming her mind was just not working. The emotional officer had a little too much on her mind.

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V'lera had spent a few hours studying the ship. She'd found a place that promised both stars and the vibrations and hum of the engines. After a stressful day she headed there. She was hoping to meditate away some of the stress. The call from Vulcan had affected her more then anything. It had caused her to be lost in her thoughts and in the images from her past. Her mind went back to Vulcan, to her old home.

Sighing she straightened her uniform and entered. As she neared the table she noted that she was not alone. She recognized the red hired woman right away. "Commander Dox...I apologize for disturbing you."

Turning at the sound, Mnhei'sahe was startled. It wasn't often that anyone could sneak up on her sensitive Romulan ears, but the hum of the engine combined with the distracting headspace left her a bit more vulnerable than not. "Oh, no, Not at all, Lieutenant V'lera. I was trying to meditate, emphasis on 'trying', but I wasn't exactly succeeding."

Sighing slightly, Dox stood up and adjusted her workout top as she addressed the Half-Vulcan, Half-Orion Councilor, curious as to what brought the new transfer to one of the most secluded spots on the ship. "Is there anything I can help you with? This isn't the most... popular of the break rooms."

V'lera tilted her head slightly, "I was attempting to find a quiet spot to meditate. I have always enj... I have always found the hum of the engines soothing and a great assistance to meditation." She paused. "Your comment suggests that your meditation was not successful. Why do think that is? Do you have something on your mind I can assist with?"

A curious thought was unbetrayed as Dox kept her face perfectly straight. But the counselor's sudden attempt to change the subject off of her own, clearly present emotions caught Dox's attention as curious. She logged the observation in the back of her mind as she turned towards the ship's new Counselor.  "I grew up on a freighter with an engine that was kreldanni hnaev... Uh... my apologies. I have something of a bad habit of cursing in Romulan. The engine was... well that was an expletive and the Romulan word for feces."

kjhV'lera resisted the urge to smile. She'd heard the phrase before. She had to fight, in fact, not to smile. "I see," she simply said.

Well, that answers that. She knows Romulan. Dox thought to herself as she quietly processed what she was learning. She was still upset at having missed the clues that Ensign Varnok had been a Tal'Shiar spy and was on guard with this new addition to the crew.

"Anyway... for 16 years of my life, more or less, I lived with a constant engine hum. And even though I can feel the engine on any deck, our chief keeps her so well tuned that I like to come out here and really hear that hum. It helps me relax. Well, usually." Dox said, getting a refill on her coffee from the replicator. She was observant enough to pick up on the verbal and visual cues V'lera was giving off, as well as how she was struggling to not express emotion, but the socially awkward pilot didn't want to make the new councilor any more uncomfortable by drawing attention to that observation. At least, not yet. A month in captivity with the Tal'Shiar taught the young pilot how to keep her thoughts to herself very well. "Today, it's just... work stress on my mind, I suppose. Nothing epic, but enough to distract me. I'm training two Ensigns in the Flight Department to see who will be best suited to fill the assistant chief position and it's... not going smoothly."

"That is not good." She walked in a bit deeper but did not want to sit down. If Dox wanted to be alone she'd respect that. There must be other ways to clear the mind. "My offer is still there if you wish to speak."

"Thank you, But I appreciate the offer. Sonak says I have exceptional mental defenses. Second on the ship only to his own. But unless I'm in some kind of direct threat, my general level of concentration is... all over the place." Dox chuckled lightly. "How do you clear your mind when it's a little too loud for comfort?"

She grasped the back of a chair in an uncharacteristic and un-Vulcan casual manner enjoying the feel of the faux leather-like material. It's smoothness and coolness seeming to calm her a bit. "I too am partial to the hum of the engines. There is a soothing quality. Meditation is another way or visiting a secret place on Vulcan."

Watching the half-Vulcan, half-Orion woman move, Dox found that she could help but read into her body language. The Half-Vulcan, Half-Orion woman seemed to only play at being a Logician. And it wasn't a convincing performance for someone who has spent so much time under the tutelage of a Kolinahr master. "A secret place? If you're referring to Mount Selaya, I can't seem to find it in my head today. Sometimes, when I meditate, I can feel the heat and taste the dry air like I was really there. It's all drawn from the memories Sonak gave me to work with, but it can feel even more real than the Holodeck simulation."

"When I can concentrate." Dox added with a mirthless chuckle.

"Perhaps finding it in your head is not necessary. If you will allow it," V'lera started. "I would like to show you a program I use to help me."

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A few minutes later, Mnhei'sahe stood in the center of Holodeck 2 with Lieutenant V'lera at her side. The room was inactive, with its black walls and gold grid lines being all that was visible in the expansive space. The red-headed Romulan ran a finger over her ear, giving it a light tug which was an old nervous affectation that still emerged from time to time. And in this moment, not quite knowing what to expect, she was a bit nervous.

Putting her trust in the ship's new counselor, Mnhei'sahe looked over and nodded. "So, is this going to be the program you have of Mount Selaya?"

She gave a nod, "In a way." She turned to the arch, "Computer have all holodeck programs for V'lera been downloaded into memory banks?"

The mechanical voice rang out, "Affirmative."

"Good. Please play program Seleya TKS."

The computer chimed back, "That program is code protected.

"Entry code V'lera Echo, Echo, Delta, Charlie five."

"Program Ready." The computer chimed.

"Begin." With the last melodic ringing of her voice the grid shifted and fizzed. They now stood in the hot sand of Vulcan. The sky was an orange and red shade that would make a painter weep. The sun hung low in the sky almost kissing the desert region. A hot wind caressed their faces as he oppressive heat settled over them. The pale orange-hued clouds floated at leisurely pace across the vast ocean of sky. Behind them, a geological wonder stretched towards the sky. Rock of varying shades of brown, tan, and black stood casting an imposing shadow over them. A small path sat before them and only then did they notice that they were not on the ground but just slightly on a sandy path.

V'lera turned to Dox. "This is a path I traveled many times. It is a secret passageway through the mountain to the other side...only known to a few. I followed a cleric as a child and found my way through it." She spoke but not in her usual voice. This voice was oddly full of emotion as if she was being pulled by a memory. "We are about fifty kilometres from the southern boundary of the Forge."

V'lera had traveled this path so many times but she wasn't here for that. She was here to help Dox. She seemed to shake away the remnants of both happiness and great sadness and loneliness that this place evoked. She really came here as a familiarity perhaps a way to remind herself that attachment to people was not a good thing because they always feigned friendship and family love and ties and then you were left alone to be shattered by their actions. It was a way she kept the Orion in her in line. Coming here allowed her to reach her inner child and say you are alone. Be logical and understand that it is the way of the Vulcan, solitary walk through life. "Mount Seleya, did the Commander tell you of its significance?"

Looking up, Dox was taken slightly aback. The hologram was just as detailed as the one Sonak had introduced her to for her meditative studies, but she had never explored the space from any other sides which made this experience quite new to the young Romulan woman. She had been momentarily concerned heading alone to the holodeck alone with the curious newcomer, but she knew the Hera too well, and with a sentient computer cat living in it that she knew kept an eye on her, she knew she was in no danger in the Holodeck so long as there were no pieces of gods in its processors. "He told me of its history and of some of his own time walking the steps. And, of course, I know that for my own people's history, this was the place where the final ties were broken. Where those who marched beneath the Raptor's wing left from. I know the role this place has in the training of young Vulcan's in the ways of Surak. But not much more."

There was a touch of sadness in her voice as she made mention of the bloody history of the Romulan's and of the now-legendary sundering of their two people millennia ago. But listening, she could hear that change in V'lera's voice as she spoke of it. The noticeable emotion was clear and Mnhei'sahe was a little concerned. "I hope you will forgive my observation... but this place seems to have quite a considerable significance to you. Are you alright... being here?"

She gave a nod. "I am fine." After all, it had been her home for a while. "You are right about the history of course. It has so much of it. The Kolinahru Monastery, the Hall of ancient thought." She pointed up the mountain. "Up there near the summit itself is Surak's Peak. It houses the T'Klass Pillar that is thought to be a weapon of the Vulcan God of Death, Shariel. Down a ways is the Plain of Blood...for a peaceful race we have many...unsettling names for monuments." Just to the northwest of Surak's Peak is the T'Karath Sanctuary... perhaps I can show you that some time. It is the home to so many artifacts and just past that there re ruins of a monastery that is so old that our people do not know of its origins. It is hidden and it has many rooms." She looked at the woman. "Would you like to see it"

"Perhaps." Mnhei'sahe said, focusing on the one word from the counselor that she didn't quite believe: fine. Nobody who had struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm as Mnhei'sahe had, would be convinced by the biggest red-flag word used by a troubled mind. "During our first session, you said you grew up near here?"

She gave a nod. "Yes. I grew up in a house that was at the foot of Mount Seleya. A small village of no more than a few hundred. I stayed in the Village until my Kahs-wan rite. Then I was around that area until I left for Starfleet." It was true yet it left so many gaps. So much she didn't explain, so much that was purged by the Vulcan High Command before she left for Starfleet. "Some see the region as harsh and sparse yet there is so much beauty and history there."

"What I can see here... and what I've seen through my mind-melds with Commander Sonak is and has been quite beautiful. I hope to come here for real on day when I have the opportunity." Mnhei'sahe said, looking out over the vista of stark power and beauty that surrounded her. "I've read about the Kahs-wan. It can be quite... harrowing. Even deadly in some cases."

It wasn't as much a question as it was a prompt. Mnhei'sahe heard the slightest of tones to V'lera's voice that spoke of emotion when she mentioned the traditional Vulcan rite. She didn't want to push, but she was concerned nonetheless. Another flag. Maybe not a red one, but a decidedly reddish hue.

"It can be. It is a rite that Vulcans undergo, mostly males, but females may choose to do so. You are meant to survive ten days on your own, with no food, no water, with wild Sehlats running around. Some do not make it. Others... well they survive." She paused. "I, too, survived." She'd lasted a year in the desert. Her village had given up on her listed her as dead and when she'd walked back into the village there had been shocked stares all around. The High Command had taken note too, namely an elder who'd shown...relief at her return. "It was a most interesting experience."

Listening, Mnhei'sahe nodded as she looked directly at the ship's new councilor. Then, taking a deep breath of the dry, thin air, she walked over to a clearing in the stone base they stood on and looked down for a moment. "It sounds quite... interesting. During our first session, we talked a bit about my experience in captivity on that Warbird, but we didn't talk much about my childhood."

"As you know, until I was 16, my mother and I existed as smugglers on a freighter in the Neutral zone. We dealt in any kind of illegal cargo that would continue to support our real work, which was getting reunificationists away from Romulus to freedom. But it was an extremely... difficult childhood. I wasn't raised as much as I was trained. I was piloting that ship in combat scenarios at the age of ten. I was learning how to kill people with my hands at the same time. My forge was that ship. And the airlock of that ship, where I spent many an hour resisting the urge to open it into space. It created a... desperation... in me. A desperation that expressed itself in my word choices and in my body language." Mnhei'sahe spoke frankly, tilting her head slightly. The woman she was with might not be a spy, but she was clearly concealing deep traumas that weren't mentioned in her personnel file. "And if you will forgive my observation, I'm seeing a very similar feeling of desperation in you here. This isn't a positive memorie for you, is it?"

She stared at the woman a long time and then spoke the only thing she could. The truth. "No. It was not." She motioned. "But even in the worst of times we find...a way." She began walking leaving Dox to follow. They walked in silence a while and then they stopped at what looked to be a run-down shack. V'lera motioned to the building. "This is the place I find the most peace when meditating. Would you like to see?"

"Please." Mnhei'sahe said with a simple nod, waiting for V'lera to lead the way.

V'lera stepped up to the door. It was simulated wood, heavy, loud. The creaking was enough to keep visitors out. They entered the one room shack and he door closed. It looked....less then impressive. V'lera walked over to the center. "I came across this one night. If you look out of that window you will see ruins in the distance."

Raising an eyebrow at the suggestion for a second, Mnhei'sahe complied and turned away, The counselor was leading her towards something, and the curious Romulan didn't want the press the issue.

As Dox was looking out of the window V'lera pushed a loose floorboard aside. The scraping sound was minimal, but Dox's sensitive hearing picked it up nonetheless. She waited for Dox to turn and pointed to the open hole which was in fact the starting steps on a spiral stone staircase. "Shall we?" V'lera took the lead.

Answering with a simple nod, Dox followed closely behind the curious woman, wondering where the stairs might lead.

The trip wasn't very long. When V'lera had created the program she'd shortened the trip. Within minutes they found themselves in front of another door that required a manual push to open. It parted hesitantly but the revelation was worth it. When the door was fully open and they stepped inside. A fire in a center basin lit the room casting flickering shadows on a wonder. The room was large with sand pillars at each corner. Behind the flame stood an altar of stone that looked as if it was ripped from the very side of Mount Seleya. Figures graced it, statues of the long-forgotten Gods of Vulcan covered in dust and soot yet their sparkling beauty was clear. The walls were covered with writing, prayers of a once passionate people. At closer inspections, the walls shimmered with what seemed like embedded gold flakes and in the corner a spring of water still flowed into a fountain that seemed as if it hadn't been used in ages. "This is a chamber I discovered as a child. To this day Vulcan officials do not know of its existence. Above us are ruins, but nobody explored underneath. This was before the reformation, before the Rihannsu and the Vulcans were two races. This is just one room, one chamber of many." It had been a room that had shown her much and a complex that has served as her home more than once. "I started this program when I was at the Academy and it was just completed last year."

"You found all of this through a passage hidden under your home?" Mnhei'sahe said as she gently ran a hand across one of the statues of the ancient gods of Vulcan. "I know these. My mother taught me... as much as she could about Vulcan history and culture. She's always believed in reunification... taught me the language and... these are the three prime gods of Vulcan mythology. The God of War, the God of Peace and the God of..."

"...Death."

Pausing, Mnhie'sahe pulled her hand away slightly at the realization that when she felt the need to touch one of the statues, her hand went right to Shariel... the Vulcan God of Death. A chill went down her spine as she thought of the woman known as Death herself who was sitting up in her VIP accommodations on Deck 8... probably giving one of her dry smiles at the irony. Mnhei'sahe's complicated relationship with the woman who, in life, was known as Masato Rei was not a part of her record and it was one of the few things she kept from the rest of the crew. After all, to be friends with the embodiment of Death was one thing. To know that she has earmarked you to possibly replace her in the future was another thing entirely. 

In the instant that she withdrew her hand, all of that rushed through her mind as the olive twinge drained from her face for only an instant. Turning from the statues, she continued to look around the room, composing herself. "And you've been creating the details of these chambers from memory since the Academy? It's... amazing."

She didn't correct the woman about the home. It was not the shack they came through that was her home. She'd lived here in the ruins ... a long story that she shared with nobody.

She watched Dox as she went about things and even noticed the colour drain. "These chambers, these walls...they were burned into my mind." She walked over to Dox. "Are you alright. You seemed a little ill a moment ago."

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. The level of detail... the realism is... staggering." Mnhei'sahe replied, only lying a little before thinking over the specific wording V'lera used. "Wait, 'burned' into your mind? You'll forgive my saying, but that particular verbiage is somewhat... leading."

"The ship I grew up on... The Forager. I remember every bolt and deckplate. My... quarters on my Grandmother's Warbird where I was locked for three weeks. The Brig chamber where I was schackled to that chair to watch my Father be executed. Those are places that I would describe as being burned into MY mind." Dox's tone changed slightly to a much more serious one as she spoke. "What happened here? How long were you in these caves?"

To speak plainly with this woman would be very unprofessional but the woman was giving so much in her information it would only be right to give something back. Also being here she thought about it and found that perhaps she should not have brought the woman here. Here, V'lera was vulnerable. Here she was...herself. Her thoughts took a moment. "A year. I lived here about a year. These tunnels were my home, my... sanctuary. When I was young." Here she had been healed and protected. She'd found strength and had lived a thousand life times in that year."

"I… apologize if I'm pushed to much. I don't wish to make you uncomfortable." Mnhei'sahe said, trying to soften her tone to a less professional one. "It's just… you're a part of this crew now. And while it's your job to listen to me, I would be a poor Commander and a worse person if I didn't notice when the officers around me showed signs of… distress."

"And not to be presumptuous, but I am a very distressed woman, more often than not. I've lost count of the number of councilors I've been through in the last sixteen years." Mnhei'sahe stepped closer and tilted her head slightly to make eye contact with V'lera. "When I joined this ship, I never would have been having this conversation. I'm something of an introvert. I am anxious in groups and dislike crowds unless I can hit the people in them. I'm… damaged. And to use a human turn of phrase I learned on Earth, we can smell our own."

She stayed silent a moment. "I can somewhat relate...without he hitting." She paused again. "Being a counselor has made it possible for me to avoid them. My past has not impeded my ability to do my job. I would never jeopardize your health that way. You must trust that." She was speaking genuinely. As for her own past she was still coming to terms with a lot of things.

She looked away from the eye contact. "I am not good with eye contact." She simply said. "It is...painful at times for me." Began walking towards the statues. "I apologize for that."

Tilting an eyebrow at that revelation, Dox stiffened ever so slightly. "I apologize for any pain I have caused you. Thank you for letting me know that."

"No it is alright. Over my years at the Academy I have learned to handle eye contact, physical contact. I see challenges as things to be overcome." She touched the statues lightly. "Here is where I like to meditate. If you like this place I would be happy to link your voice with the access code."

"That's a positive way to think about such things. But here I am counciling the councilor." Mnhei'sahe chuckled as she shook her head and avoided looking at the statue of the Vulcan God of Death. "And... I would appreciate that. Beyond that... no ranks... person to person. We're both off duty, so you didn't have to do any of this."

She turned to look at Dox. "I wanted to. You seemed like you could use it. I am...glad to have shared this. Nobody has seen this but me so you are the first person to be here." She turned back to the statues and touched Shariel's statue. "Do you believe that the old Gods exist?"

There was a long pause. A gap that hung in the dry air with a palpable tension that all bit filled the chamber as Mnhei'sahe considered how to answer the question. As the ship's councilor, V'lera was cleared to know what was on the young Romulan woman's tongue. And after taking a breath, she closed her eyes for a moment and answered.

"Technically, no. I don't… believe. Believe is predilected on faith in things unseen. And I have seen too much to believe. No, I know the old gods exist. I've met a few. Some live on this ship." Getting over herself, Dox stepped over to the statues and looked into the eyes of the image of Shariel. "A few have… invaded my mind. It's why I've worked so hard to develop my mental defenses. Another, I once allowed to… merge with me for a time and she left a piece of herself with me."

"The gods are real. We protect their secrets here on the Hera." Mnhei'sahe said with an earnest resolve.

"I agree," she simply said as she reached out and touched the statue of Shariel again, briefly. She turned to Dox. "This has been, thus far, a most interesting assignment."

"It only gets more so if you can handle it. Which makes this important." Mnhei'sahe said, turning to face V'Lera, but keeping her eyes down slightly to avoid eye contact. "After I graduated from the academy, I spent... over six years as a cargo pilot. I made no friends and kept to myself. It was easy to see prejudice everywhere if I was acting like somebody nobody wanted to talk to. And my career was on hold as a result. Until I decided to do something that made me stand out, and that lead me here."

"My first week on the ship, I hid in my quarters. I didn't want to put myself out there and be hurt again like I was in school on Earth or like I was in the Academy or at any of the remote starbases I was stationed at before the Hera. But here, others reached out to me and pulled me out of my comfort zone." Mnhei'sahe smiled slightly and stepped away to one of the other statues to not put too much pressure on V'lera. If the woman was as damaged as she seemed, she didn't want to make her any worse. "That... those new friendships... are what has gotten me through what our missions have put before us. I'm not trying to pressure you or put you on the spot. But I appreciate you showing me all of this. Telling me what you've told me. And I'm glad to have talked to you outside of the structure of your office as a councilor."

She inclined her head slightly. "I have never had...humanoid friends. The academy was work and then I had my postings where I kept a distance.. I do not...know how to make friends. At times I do not understand friendship on a definition scale yes but I have never truly experienced it," she said honestly.

With a light smile on her face, Mnhei'sahe shook her head slightly. "What you did for me here. This wasn't what a councilor does. You let me in and your doing so again. That's what friends do. So... you're experiencing it now. I'll do my best to be a good one if you'll allow it."

"I see. Fascinating. I shall endeavour to be ... a good one too."