Sure, have a peek inside my head

Posted on Fri Sep 14th, 2018 @ 9:56pm by Ensign Raymond McBain & Ensign Avendar Jurot

Mission: Holographic Horrors
Location: Counselor's office
Timeline: 72681.164

McBain had been busy since his arrival still this was important. This was the last step in his checking in process and once the counselor signed off on him he was ready for action. He had gotten everything else on the list so now he had hurried here so he would not be late. He saw the open door and straighten his uniform. He leaned into the door frame knocking "Hello, doctor Jurot? I am Ensign Raymond McBain your 1600 hrs appointment. Are you free to see me."

The woman in room was sitting on a cushion next to a low table. Her eyes were closed. When Ensign McBain spoke, her eyes opened, revealing her eyes' black irises- a trait of all full blooded Betazoids. She then stood gracefully.

Councilor Avender Jurot was a tall woman, with long flowing auburn hair and pale skin, which really made her eyes stand out. Her figure was very curvaceous, which she accented by having her duty uniform specifically tailored. Her entire being radiated serenity. She smiled warmly at McBain, and extended her hand in welcome.

"Absolutely, Ensign. And please, call me Avender. I don't stand on ceremony. How would you prefer to be addressed?"

McBain laughed softly but with real humor. "Well, most people just call me McBain? My first name is fine, Raymond. You could call me Frosty, that was my fighter pilot call-sign. I really am not fussy as long as I understand you are referring to me anything pretty much will be fine." He realized that was not much of a real answer and shrugged "Raymond is fine Ma'am, or McBain either is me." He had stepped into the room as he replied and took her hand with a firm polite grip. His eyes were strong and focused as his met hers. "Nice to meet you." His expression became a bit more cocky "so how do you want to proceed Avender. I really want to get this clearance done so I can officially get to work."

McBain had noted she was full Betazoid and the race seemed serene and at the same time somehow sultry. In the MACO unit he had been with the Betazoid guys always got the girls. Which was fine he was not much into carousing. He was not dead either so he did notice. This was business though and he let nothing interfere with his mission. She was a looker but for now that was just information to think on later. Besides she had to know how beautiful she was and him noticing would not matter much to her anyway.

Avender smiled more broadly. "Frosty. I like that. It's distinctive, if informal. If it's ok with you, during any sessions we may have, may I call you Frosty?"

"Of course, works for me." McBain nodded glad to hear the call-sign again.

She motioned him to a soft looking couch with an elevated end. "You may sit, lie down- whatever is comfortable. Don't worry about falling asleep. I've rigged it to provide an electric shock if you do." She winked mischievously.

The counselor sat in the chair next to the couch, crossed her long legs, and picked up a PaDD from a small table which also held a vintage looking box of tissues.

McBain sat once the doctor was sitting. He just sat on the couch with his feet on the floor. He was relaxed but even so there was an active tension in his body that would take him from a calm relaxed state to action in a blink of the eye.

"So, Frosty, I've read your record. I'm quite impressed! You've had a very colorful career so far!"

"I have spent a lot of time in the field. It was an active life thus far. Training or being in the field has been my entire life since my school graduation from school." McBain smiled I would not have it any other way." He looked back at her, his eyes meeting hers "so any questions just fire away Doc." He smiled a bit sheepishly adding "Avendar."

"Certainly, Frosty. As you know, we are meeting to establish your psychological health today. It's a formality really, but it's required by Starfleet regulations when a crew member reports to a new assignment." She smiled. "You can relax, Frosty. I'm not here to hurt you, and even if I were, I'd be no match for you physically."

"So, do you have any questions for me before we begin?"

"Nope, no Avendar." corrected quickly, this was work not social, but those eyes, face, and the comfortable surroundings made it hard to think in an on-the-job frame of mind. He had corrected his mistake as he saw it quickly. He continued smoothly "I have had to do this a few times before. In the MACO our operations were almost always life threatening so we had more of these sessions than most people." He smiled easily, "of course that was than and this is now.

Go ahead Avendar have a peek inside my head!" He laughed slightly with a bit of both levity and nervousness. His face became serious though for just an instant. I should warn you though, I have done a great deal of violent deeds. You might not like me much after you look too close." McBain relaxed aware he had tensed briefly. "Many view my deeds as vile. I have always kept to my personal code however, so for the most part my conscious is clear. I can live with the deaths, the lives I have taken.

Avender smiled and uncrossed her legs. She leaned toward McBain and said "Be careful what you wish for, Frosty. I'm Betazoid, and could easily go inside your head. I was also assigned to Temporal Investigations as well as Starfleet Intelligence. But I prefer to have you tell me about what's inside your head, rather than me having to go in there and search."

She leaned back in her chair and recrossed her legs, slowly. "Also, violence doesn't disturb me. If it did, I wouldn't be much of a help, would I?"

She tapped her PaDD without looking.

"So," she said, exuding a pleasant calm, "tell me about... Darisa."

McBain nodded, everyone asked about Darisa. "Where should I start. I could start on the way in where we got ambushed by the Breen. Or the rescue of the freighter carrying supplies. I could talk about the campaign where we never got any support as the brass did not want to escalate the 'action' into a full flung 'war'. We tore up the Breen blockade, we hammered the rebels and their Breen allies into a corner. At the end we pilots were flying on average three missions a day just to keep us having the advantage."

McBain shrugged his eyes hard but they softened. "You know that first skirmish I was really proud. I had fought as a ground pounder but it was my first real test as a pilot. Three Breen interceptors jumped my wing-man and me. It was something. Tearing across the void of space nothing but you and your fighter against them and theirs. We had to obey rules that they did not so they were allowed to fire first. It was clean, no innocents, no civilians. Just trained warriors and their weapons deciding who was more skilled." McBain shrugged "if all wars could be fought like that fewer warriors would with broken minds."

McBain took a deep breath. "I figure Barisa was a few greedy businessmen whom the Breen would profit more under their rule than the Federation. A few of those were charismatic enough to convince a about 10% of the population ending safety standards would benefit them?" McBain made eye contact, "all of that is in my records no doubt. Even the fact we were supporting the local government forces but they were in charge. At the beginning we were just called in to deal with the Breen, the hired mercenaries, and actual fortified cell command centers. Things got dicey when we started getting called in to pull the local units out of trouble. that was when we got spread to thin and our losses began adding up fast."

McBain sighed "I was taught to live by a code long before I enlisted. The code I was told would allow me to hold my head high no matter the trials I faced. That code amounts to a few idea. Never be cruel for the sake of cruelty or vengeance. Never willingly harm anyone who can not defend themselves. Never do harm for personal gain. Be honest to yourself and others no matter the consequences." McBain smiled softly in memory of his Uncles who had taught him the code. "So I bombed Inari under orders with full knowledge innocents would die. Later it was a political matter to blame me rather than for the Generals to take responsibility. I was exonerated by a field Colonel who had the meeting transcript. Most of that court session was kept from the public. They did not want a resurgence of hostilities. That would have done no one any good."

McBain once more looked in her eyes, a cleansing calm aura as if in the confession of the story he was more free. "So that is the story. The details are not important unless you were there at the time."

Avender smiled and cocked her head slightly to the right. "Those are the facts. Now, tell me about Darisa. How it made you feel. What it did to you. About where it lives in your soul."

The Betazoid's voice was so soothing- so inviting. Soft like a comforting lover, yet with a prompting steel subtly embedded.

McBain nodded as he smiled. She was good. Really good for an Ensign? He wondered what she had been before Starfleet. "That is a harder question as you likely know. I will answer as I have before,because it was true then and is true now." His eyes took on a feral gleam. "I liked being in my raptor class fighter. I liked the feeling of it being my skill and equipment against the enemies. I am not a berserker, every thing I do is a calculated risk. I was taught to never hesitate, to always keep moving, and to verify my target so I knew whom I was dealing with. That is how I live Avendar. I just go for it. I take pride in winning but I never forget the loser had the same desires as I do. I do what I do without malice or hatred. It is skill versus skill."

McBain sighed so I felt on top of the world, flying and fighting in the beginning. One time a pilot was badly wounded during a supply drop as he was waiting for the wounded to be brought aboard. The attacking force was larger than they had expected and they needed to be pulled out. They needed a pilot. So I volunteered. I had to make a paradrop insertion about two miles out, get through the enemy lines and than fly the transport out. It was quite a thrill to accomplish. I felt great for getting my fellow MACO's out of trouble. That was near the time we started being pulled into the locals engagements. That did not feel the same because they were amateurs. They were citizen soldiers playing at being warriors. They made mistakes and they were vindictive."

McBain stood and paced across the room. It also began involving civilians and it all seemed wrong. I was reprimanded several times for interfering when the local troops mistreated civilians. Than the bombing mission. I was compromised and the Captain of the Dallas understood. He would have flown the mission but it was in his eyes, he did not expect to survive it. I had to do it, I was best qualified and I was also most likely to survive. I felt the lesser of two evils was to take the mission. I knew the locals skill and they would have leveled several city blocks to accomplish the task. It was only one building that needed to be taken out." Mcbain sat back down and made eye contact, the confliction in his soul was obvious. "I flew the mission and it went better than expected. My fellow shipmates supported me and stood by me. My Captain told me I was on a promotion list and it all made me feel okay."

He closed his eyes "than later the charges were brought up. The local command was taking grief so they blamed it on us. After all we were outsiders, what did we care about the local people." McBain's expression revealed the anger he still felt at the betrayal. "I was called out as a murderer. I knew better but what could I say. So I said nothing. The Captain of the Dallas, some of his command staff. There were few MACO's left so it was just me who was named, I had flown the mission. The Fleet was going to fry me. There was just their words against our reports. The pressure was on to appease the locals. Than that staff Colonel spoke up. He was an honorable officer and could not let this happen. So it was charges were dropped quietly. The reason given was some vague procedural errors. We were left in limbo and the Dallas was gone."

The Captain and his officers were assigned other ships, I was sent to a unit that did missions only command will ever read the particulars about. I was done as a pilot. As a warrant officer I was the team XO. I was assigned to fly the team transport which was cool. It was during this time I met Farrington, he talked to me a lot and I took his advice and went to the academy. I am still angry on many levels. I can live with what I did because it was the best outcome in a bad situation. I learned many lessons during that time. One of them was that even when you are forced to compromise, it does not compromise you. As long as you are true to yourself you can face the mirror."

McBain took a deep breath "so that enough of an answer, Avendar? I know I am a bit long winded once you wind me up."

The counselor thought for a moment, regarding the powerful man in front of her, then smiled.

"I wouldn't say you're long winded. You are usually a man who is very direct with his words. You are accustomed to giving orders quickly and decisively. The fact that you have been so complete in your answer shows me that it has been on your mind for a long time."

Avender stood and walked over to the large window of her office. She felt the man's eyes on her curves. She then slowly turned and walked slowly toward him, as if deep in thought. Then she fixed her beautiful black eyes upon him.

"You said you enjoyed being a Raptor pilot- of pitting your skill and experience against a single opponent. Where do you think this drive came from- was it something you learned early in life, or later as your knowledge and skills increased? In other words, Frosty..." she stopped directly to his right, and then turned her head toward him, making her hair cascade over her shoulder.

"Were you a Warrior Born or a Warrior made?"

"I think it was inside me from the beginning. My earliest memories of myself are me challenging myself to do things I was told could not be done." McBain laughed at what he said feeling suddenly exposed as he looked into her eyes and noted how her hair shined. His warning lights inside his brain were on now as she was purposely looking attractive. He was sure she melted many a heart with those eyes and that hair. He thought about it a second and continued, he saw no threat here. "I do not mean to say I did really stupid things like jump off a barn roof trying to fly with a cape. I did do stupid things though. For instance."

McBain leaned back for the first time as he enjoyed thinking of his youth despite the problems. "There was a stream, white water fast but with large boulders all along the way. It was not deep in many places but it was too fast to wade across. The mist from the water made the rocks slippery. I saw some older guys trying to run the boulders as a challenge among themselves and they all failed to run more than a few rock to rock hops. I was about four or five years younger than them but I was a tall kid. I watched them and decided they were hesitating, my Uncles said to hesitate is to die. Always keep moving, do or move but never hesitate. So I walked over and spoke to them. They made fun of me and told me it was impossible to just go play. I got mad and took off running I looked at the rocks and decided my route in three steps and I ran leaping from boulder to boulder."

McBain revealed slight embarrassment as he finished, he did not brag much. "I crossed the stream in eight leaps. They at first were shouting warnings, once I succeeded they said something about me being a local kid and left. After that I ran the boulder almost everyday to work on my balance and reactions. I got hurt more than a few times and almost drowned a few more times than I like to think about! I learned a great deal from the stream though." McBain smiled "I was trained from a young age but I think it was in me. My Uncles just developed what they saw inside."

Avender sensed McBain's hesitancy, and shifted her stance slightly. She now faced him, hands behind her back, appearing helpless. Her smile had a slight tinge of longing.

"Is it possible that you feel you are still jumping from rock to rock? Perhaps the Raptor is just your metaphor for your leaps?"

She paused a moment, turned her left shoulder to him and paced slowly to his front, her eyes never leaving him.

"Is it possible that in your heart you never left that stream?"

McBain worked through what she said slowly. It did not seem right to him. Finally he shook his head. "I think you went over my head there Avendar. Not that hard to do as I am smart enough to know, I just am not the smartest tool in the shed." He laughed softly and kept from looking directly at her as she was alluring and this was work. He knew she was just doing her job, but it was difficult not to want to believe she was attracted to him. Logic prevailed though. "Honestly I do not think so. I mean the boy at the stream was only interested in proving himself to himself and just a little bit to others.

"The Raptor pilot was still trying to prove himself but the stakes were higher. There was more of the desire to protect the Federation than simply being the best." He frowned not sure he had made any sense. "Avendar, the boy only cared about himself. The Raptor pilot cared about the job of defending something bigger than himself. The best way to do that was to be the best he could be." McBain sighed not at all confident he had articulated that correctly. He smiled and met her eyes. He wondered how many men she had melted with that gaze. He left his guard down for just a moment "after all I am just another guy."

"Actually, I don't believe that the boy only cared about himself," Avender said. "Otherwise, he wouldn't have cared about what those other guys thought. You wouldn't have cared what your commanders thought. And you would not have cared about the civilians whose deaths still haunt you."

She took another step closer to him so that she was now only a step away from him. he could smell the perfume she was wearing, a faint smell of honeysuckle. She looked up into his eyes.

"I think you are having trouble admitting that, as a grown man and a soldier, you can be negatively affected by the things you've done in the course of your duties. You are afraid of those feelings, and afraid that if you cry, you'll somehow be less than a man. You are wrong. A Man allows these feelings to flow, even if they only do so in private. You are allowed to feel, Frosty. If you allowed yourself to express those feelings, perhaps they wouldn't haunt you. You could learn from them, and move forward. That's what a Man does, and it is what separates him from a boy."

Her expression was one of concern and expectation, her lips parted ever so slightly. The aura of comfort was gone, leaving McBain to experience only his own feelings.

McBain shook his head as if a trance was broken. He tilted his head "I am not so much haunted by the deaths as I am that my leaders betrayed me. I was handed the ogre's choice and I accepted it. Than after the fact they threw me to the dogs. I can handle the things I do because it was for the greater good. My character was destroyed, my honesty questioned, my honor ruined in the eyes of the world. I called my Uncles and spoke to them. They never doubted me. They know my heart. Those who were there knew what happened. Commander Farrington told me politics happen. It is a bitter pill to know people will demand you do things that most consider unthinkable than burn you to the ground after doing it."

McBain forced himself to relax. "I am not a movie hero, I do not expect anyone to praise me. I might be seen as a monster because I am sent to end the monsters, but that is what I do. To be called a criminal, to be lumped in the same category as the people I am sent to take out. That insult is the burden I carry." He was calmer now, it always felt good to get that burden off his chest. McBain felt tired and he lowered his chin, "I wonder if the sheep hate the guardian dog once he defends them?" McBain looked up making eye contact. "You understand, after the sheep see the dog also has fangs. The dog has to be tougher than the beasts, more fierce than the raiders in the night. Yet he risks his life to protect because the sheep are helpless." McBain smiled softly. "Whatever you think of me Avendar that is all there is here."

The Betazoid smiled, and that feeling of serenity returned. "I think you've taken a major step, Frosty, a bigger one than you realize. What I think of you doesn't matter. Knowing yourself does. We'll stop here for now."

She turned and walked back to the window. She felt is eyes on her. She sensed what he felt.

She turned to look over her shoulder, flashing a coy smile. "Oh, and, Ensign? I'll be off duty in an hour. I intend to go to Ten Forward for dinner. In case you were wondering." She turned away then put her arms over her head and stretched. "Mmm sometimes it's the simple things."

McBain was standing with a smooth grace to leave once he heard he was done. He was enjoying looking at her since her back was to him. She was something. He was about to walk to the door when she spoke about when she would be eating dinner. He swallowed hard to get rid of the the huge lump suddenly in his throat . "I will be there just in case you want company. No one should eat alone." His confidence was not nearly as strong as his voice. He was not much of a playboy and he was actually nervous about social activities. He escaped to report he was now fully checked in!