If I Should Die...

Posted on Sat Nov 24th, 2018 @ 8:31pm by Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox
Edited on on Sat Nov 24th, 2018 @ 8:45pm

Mission: Escaped Pantheons
Location: Deck 8, Crew Quarters
Timeline: 2395, en route to the Galactic Core

It was shortly after 0:600 hours and Melanie Dox stood in the center of her spacious crew quarters. Her hair was as in place as was possible for someone with her curls and her deep red uniform was perfectly in place. She was standing at near-attention as she ran her hands down the front of her tunic, fussing with it.

The night before, she had received a message from her mother that had led her down an emotional spiral of bad memories and she needed to do something to get a handle on those emotions before resuming her duties as Chief Flight Officer of the Hera in less than an hour. She had recorded a rather perfunctory follow-up message, updating her mother as to her advances on the ship and wishing her well. But she hadn't gone into the flood of harsh memories that led her to cry herself to sleep the night before.

But on this morning, she was composed and as ready as she would ever be to say what had been weighing on her for years. At least, in a very roundabout way. For generations, Starfleet Officers have recorded messages like the one she was about to. Holographic farewells to their friends, family and fellow crewmembers in the event that a mission ended catastrophically. It was a standard procedure and she had recorded one prior that was rather flat and to the point. But this time, she was going to say something that had been eating her up for years.

"Computer. Prepare Holographic scanners for recording. Personal message for Jaieh Dox in the event of the Death of Lieutenant Junior Grade, Melanie Dox." She ran her finger nervously across the top of an ear and cleared her throat as the computer chirped in response.

=^=Recording prepared. You may begin when ready.=^=

Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes for a moment, Melanie sighed and began, speaking in Rihan, the Romulan language she had been raised in.

"Jolan'tru, Mother. If you are seeing this mission, then I have most likely passed in the line of duty. Like any Starfleet officer or anyone who has ever understood the privilege of service to another for a cause that is important to them, it's the most one could ever ask for." Dox's arms were folded behind her back as she looked forward into an imagined image of her Mother, who was currently in the protective custody of Starfleet somewhere on Earth.

"And while I know you have never been a passionate supporter of Starfleet or the Federation, I hope you know that what brought me here was the lessons you have taught me about duty and honor. And it is here that I have found a purpose, and I have you to thank for instilling that in me. While the Forrager was a smuggling ship, we did what we did for a greater purpose and... I didn't always appreciate or understand that." Melanie's posture changed slightly as she brought her hands forward and crossed them in front of her as her eyes fell to the floor for a moment.

"But, if you're seeing this now, it means I never had the chance... or found the courage... to tell you something important. Something that has been eating me up inside for years that I need you to know and hopefully understand." Melanie cleared her throat again as she continued. "Your incarceration... our having been caught all those years ago by a Federation patrol ship... was my fault."

"I...I sabotaged the engine of the Forager." Melanie pulled her head up to try and Steele herself to continue as her eyes began to tear up. "When you and my Father were off the ship to negotiate over our cargo, I... I switched a clean exhaust filter on their impulse drive with a corroded one. It caused the ship to leave a detectable vapor trail once I put the ship into full impulse drive. I had hoped that at that moment, when we were in Federation space, that it would leave us detectable by their ship's sensors. And... and it did."

A tear ran down her plump cheek and she wiped it clear and sniffled as she then recrossed her arms behind her back and tried to stand up straighter trying to regain her composure.

"I... I was angry. I was scared. I was tired of the life you had put me in for fifteen years. I no longer cared about Romulus or Reunification or the politics that were your passion. I was... I was a kid who wanted a life and I knew that had we been caught in Romulan or Klingon space, we would likely all be put to death or worse. But in Federation space... by Starfleet... we would all have a chance to still have some kind of life. Of course, as you know, it took a long time for me to find any kind of happiness. And I've lived with the guilt of how I got to where I am now every single day since."

Relaxing her posture again, Melanie continued. "I... can't imagine what you're thinking about right now as you watch this. I can only imagine that you're furious... but I hope that in time you can at least understand that I felt... trapped. Impossibly trapped. And at the time, escaping was the only way I felt I could keep going." At this point, Melanie began to break down, as tears welled up and filled her eyes past their capacity. As tears began to flow freely, she continued.

"I... I used to... when you would leave me alone on the ship for any length of time... I would... sit in the cargo hold with my hand on the door controls. Sometimes for hours. I'd sit there and try and think of a reason to not just open the door. I didn't want to keep going, Mother. I wanted to die for a long time. Well, until I didn't. After a while, I decided that what I wanted was a life. A REAL life. One that I could choose for myself. I know it doesn't make it right, but maybe it can make it make sense. It's at least what I've told myself over the years."

"The past few weeks prior to recording to this were my first aboard this ship. And in this time, I've found something I rarely did anywhere else. I have friends here. Crewmates that seem to genuinely care about me. And... in our messages... you and I seem to have been moving forward in our own relationship. Which, of course, has been only increasing my feeling that I need to finally talk to you about this. And while I hope to be able to tell you all of this directly before too long, I needed to record this message." Melanie wiped the tears away from her face and cleared her throat. "Just in case."

"I wish I could know what you're thinking right now, as it would maybe make it easier. Probably not, though. I can only imagine that you're angry... disappointed... disgusted. But... regardless... I do love you and I am very sorry for what I did. If I could take it back and find another way to have moved on back then, I would do it. But I can't, so all I can do is try and live with my decision and hope that eventually you can understand."

"Please know that I love you, Mother. And I miss you. And I hope you can forgive me." Dox sniffled again, her voice cracking as she talked. "Goodbye."

Lifting her head slightly towards the ceiling, Dox spoke out to the room. "Computer, end recording and save file. Thank you." The computer chirped its response as Melanie flumped backward to sit on the edge of her bed and cry for a solid five minutes.

Taking a breath, she closed her eyes and walked over to the restroom mirror to clean herself up for the day ahead. She washed her face clear and straightened her uniform top. Taking a moment to reapply a light base of makeup and collect herself, she turned to the door and headed out to face her day, hoping that the Hera's current mission wouldn't require that message to be delivered.

Hoping that she can one day talk to her mother in person, and face up to her past no matter what the outcome.

 

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