On The Couch

Posted on Thu Jan 10th, 2019 @ 2:52pm by Lieutenant Asa Dael & Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox

Mission: Section 31-B
Location: Counseling Office
Timeline: 2396, en route to the Section 31 base

“Oh hell no.”

Those were the first words Lieutenant Junior Grade Doctor Asa Dael saw upon seeing the vacated office of the ship's counselor.

The office was bare. A water pitcher and a few glasses were on an end table, and a chair for the counselor with the requisite couch for the counselee were all the occupied the room. No art remained on the wall, no little touches to assure the person who entered that this was a place of listening, caring, and compassion. In short, oh hell no.

The slender doctor set about replicating some comfortable throw pillows for the couch, as well as a water fountain made of stone and purple geode’s to burble quietly under a floor lamp in the far corner from the door. The light was glowing with a soft amber yellow glow that cast a cocoon-like hue to the room. They then procured a blanket made of incredibly soft material and a diffuser that could disperse various scented fragrance oils when needed. A mirror was hung on the wall, but it was inside an ornate black and brown scrollwork frame that closed as if it was a dartboard or projection screen. After all, the doctor had learned in Starfleet Medical that sometimes a patient needs to speak to their reflections….and other times it can be harmful to even see it, so they decided to be prepared for both eventualities. Another piece of artwork was hung on the wall over the sofa that had an ornate iron looking frame and could have a variety of images displayed, all able to be changed through an interface on any PaDD.

A white noise machine sat next to the fountain, in case the fountain itself was not enough, and was programmed with over 1000 biorhythms and soothing tones with known therapeutic benefit, and quite a few that just sounded cool. The other two corners not already occupied were furnished with small ficus trees, similar to those often used to decorate the lounges at Starfleet Academy.

Taking in the overall appearance of the room, Asa decided to holoproject a light sky blue paint scheme on to the wall. (After all, that color was known to provide calming environments also) The final touch was a red/brown/navy Persian style rug. “There,” Asa said as they placed it, “That really ties the room together.”

The finishing touches put together, Asa sat down to prepare for their first counseling appointment. After events on the Worldship, Melanie Dox was in need of a bit of therapy, and the doctor had happily volunteered to serve. They were concerned about their own counseling abilities and had stayed up most of the night studying old coursework and reviewing techniques they would likely need in the coming days and weeks. At first, Melanie seemed to think it peculiar Asa wasn’t using their own office for the sessions, but the doctor felt that space to be so….well, clinical. While of course psychology was a science, in order to succeed it needed to feel less sterile and medical for the patient. So, the doctor had decided to set up this space to conduct all counseling needs for the crew. If a future counselor decided to not utilize this space, well, at least Asa knew they tried to set it up well.

Soon enough the door was chiming and the doctor was opening it to admit Melanie.

Stepping in the office that she had hated under its previous occupant, Lieutenant Junior Grade Melanie Dox was stunned at how different it had now looked. Dox knew full well of Asa's love of color having assisted in decorating her crewmates own cabin just a couple of evenings ago. And it was on that same night that the young part-Romulan had expressed to the ships Chief Medical Officer that she had made a decision and wanted to have the pointed ears that had been surgically removed against her will as a child restored. But a part of that process was the requirement to see the ship's councilor. It was a concept Dox was terrified of under the aegis of Avender Jurot but 100% comfortable with her new best friend.

However, Dox didn't want that friendship to interrupt what she knew was also a new job for the ships CMO. "Doctor, I'm here for my appointment."

"Please, come have a seat," Asa replied smoothly. They had been told at Academy that one of the hazards of being the CMO is often loneliness- along with the Captain and First Office, a ships doctor knew more about the crew than their own spouses did ofttimes, and that can breed isolation and loneliness.

Once the shy pilot was seated, Asa decided to set some ground rules.

"So, this could be either really great for both of us, or it could be counterproductive and harmful. We both have an equal say in which direction we take. We are going to discuss things in therapy that you might now want to discuss in any other environment. I may need to make suggestions you don't like. It is part of the process. So, I am going to make a commitment to you here and now- barring concerns for your safety or the safety of others, nothing said here makes it out these doors. Ever. So if Asa your goofy next door neighbor is supposed to know something, you are going to have to tell Asa your goofy next door neighbor. Right now, this is Doctor Dael. Doctor Dael knows all about people's warts and woes, and will only act as a professional should. Also, as things told to your friend should not be automatically known to your counselor, so if you want Doctor Dael to know something, you have to tell Doctor Dael."

Gathering steam, the doctor continued, "So if you ever feel that Asa is acting too much like Doctor Dael, or the reverse, just say 'Flip mode'. This can be our code that if things are ever getting too close to a line you don't like, you have a safety phrase to let me know. No one will ever know what it means, but I promise to you to react accordingly as soon as you say it. Also, if we are ever pushing harder than you like, or if things are getting too intense, just let me know. The usual phrases for that are yellow to slow down, red to stop, but you can customize that to how you want. OK, that's a ton of words, too much? I want your feedback on how things are going, so I'm asking now, does the proposed plan sound like what you are expecting or needing?"

Smiling, Dox resisted the natural urge to make a joke with their friend, realizing that they were likey as nervous as she was in the moment. Instead, the redheaded Romulan answered more directly but still warmly. "Absolutely, Doctor Dael. That was just the right amount of words."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Dael replied, thankful their friend had understood the need for a bit of compartmentalization. Truth be told, Asa was concerned about how to maintain the professional detachment required as a counselor, but they figured if they could dig around in their friends bodies, they could have a clinical conversation as well.

"So, how would you describe what brings you here today, Lieutenant?" Dael began the session.

Taking a moment to collect her thoughts, Dox struggled to find the right words. "Closure, I suppose. From a technical standpoint, I require clearance from counciling in order to go ahead with restorative surgery. But ultimately, I need help dealing with a number of... issues that I'm still struggling with in the aftermath of my attack."

"OK, that all sounds reasonable. Those two items are tied together. Part of surgical clearance is the evaluation that your request is not made as a temporary reaction to any recent events, but is instead a long term decision you are certain of. It seems to me you will feel more confident of your choice if you had more clarity on recent events. Would you concur?

The anxious young pilot didn't want to recall the events that precipitated the path she was now on, but she knew that Doctor Dael was right. "I do, yeah."

"Ok, lets start with defining the attack. Can you describe what happened and how it made you feel?"

Taking a deep breath, Dox started. "The recent events... they aren't where this started. Anansi... when he invaded my mind and pulled out my memories... he brought it all out. But what he brought out. It had been building to burst for years, I think."

Sitting further back in her seat, Dox looked down towards the ground. "But Anansi made me face it. Remember it." Taking another moment to collect herself, Dox started over.

"When we were docked at the Worldship, one of the entities that attacked the ship targeted me. He called himself Anansi, the God of stories. He wanted me to give him the experimental flight control helmet. In exchange, he promised to tell me secrets I had forgotten about myself. When I said no... he did it anyway."

"That sounds very cruel to take away your free will. Is what he told you what you say has been bubbling up? What did this bubbling up look like in your life before?"

"H... he didn't tell me as much as show me." Dox said, her voice cracking slightly. "He made me relive the events in my own mind as if they were happening right then. Every smell, every sensation. I could feel how cold it was on the ship. But before that, it was nightmares. Dreams. Feelings. Looking in the mirror and just... knowing that what I saw was somehow wrong. It's hard to put into words."

"But once Anansi pulled my memories back to the surface, I started putting the.pieces together. What I remembered was supported by the physical evidence you found in Sickbay. Eventually, my Mother confirmed the rest. That what I was made to remember was real. That it had always been real."

Scootching back up in the chair, Dox cleared her throat. "From there, I've been dealing with it all the best I can. With help from you, Commander Paris, Lieutenant Sonak."

The doctor tapped their chin with their fingers thoughtfully for a moment. They leaned forward and kept their face soft but professional, and once establishing eye contact with Dox spoke softly.

“Dealing with it is good, but we can do better. We can process our traumas and move forward with health and clarify. From what you have said, a lack of clarity looks like bad dreams, feelings of foreboding, and dissociation from your mental image and physical form. That’s a good baseline for what you want to change. What would being “better” look like to you beyond the cessation of bad dreams and dissociation? Think in terms of what you want long term, and we can set the path to get there.”

Sitting in her chair, Dox found it difficult to maintain eye contact with Asa. The conflicted pilot couldn't separate the Doctor from her friend as well as she had been trying to and was terrified to say how she really felt. It may not have made sense logically, but Dox was still afraid to show just how broken she was and risk pushing her friend away.

But she closed her eyes tight for a moment, trying to quiet the angry, scared voices that dogged her throughout life. "Sorry. It's... I'm not."

Stamering, Dox pushed the words out. "I want to be... whole. I know I can't undo what happened, but I want to at least try and put the pieces back together so I can have a chance at not being... being broken all the time."

"I've felt like huge chunks of... who and what I. have been missing my entire life. Suddenly, knowing what some of that is has... helped. Knowing I wasn't just crazy, that something was taken away from me has helped a little already."

Nodding their head in understanding, Asa waited to make sure Dox was done speaking before they said, “Validation is very important, and can greatly help us in our recovery. Part of being whole does sound like it will be restorative surgery to allow your physical appearance to match you internal sense of self. That is important. I would ask you to consider that you are not broken though, no matter how much you feel like it. If you met someone who had their bodily autonomy taken away from them as a child, would you consider them broken? Or would you consider the acts that were done to them to be the issue? What level of compassion would you offer that person? I ask you to please try to show that same compassion to yourself. So, let’s try that now….imagine you have just met someone who had their body scarred and their identity erased as a child. They tell you they feel they are worth less than others because of this. What would you say?”

Asa sat back, waiting patiently for an answer. They knew this was the hardest part of therapy. Each person tends to view themselves in a harsher light than they would others, and helping patients to view themselves with compassion is often a first step, one Asa was not sure they were qualified to help Melanie take. It took iron resolve to keep the “doctor face” as Dael referred to it in their mind in place, but Asa was determined that Melanie felt cared for and knew that she had value.

Leaning back in the chair, Dox let out a heavy sigh and shut her eyes tight again. The awkward aviartix fidgeted in her seat for a full minute.

Putting her fist up to her mouth, under her nose, Dox's eyes were now open, glistening with the tears she was forcing down. She was angry now. Not at Asa, but at herself for knowing the answer and not wanting to say it. Sniffling, Dox finally spoke again with a slightly broken voice.

"I'd... I'd tell them they were wrong. I'd tell them that what... what happened to them wasn't their fault but that they had every RIGHT to feel hurt and angry and betrayed. I'd tell them that it would get better because I wouldn't let them face it alone."

Tears flowed freely down her plump cheeks as she paused, her face scrunched into a knot as she whispered. "I'd tell them it... it wasn't their... their fault."

Asa reached behind their seat and grabbed a box of facial tissues they had stashed earlier and passed them to Melanie wordlessly. Once the pilot had a chance to breath for a moment, Asa said in a soft voice, "It wasn't your fault. I won't let you face this alone."

With the tissue in hand, Asa's words were one step more than Dox could handle and the fragile young woman finally let herself just cry for a moment. Slowly, the tears stopped and she paused to take a breath. Feeling self conscious again, she muttered. "S... sorry."

"Lieutenant, you may be feeling silly or like a burden right now. A lot of people do when they first start therapy, or they feel like their honest emotional reactions are too much. Let me make sure you understand something today- emotional reactions are good. For sentient beings that have emotions, when we bottle them up, it causes more harm than good. I'm so proud that you are letting yourself feel things. The fact you can describe how the floor felt, or the physical sensations around your attacks is also very promising. It means you are not dissociated from the events- you didn't go away in your head, and you are allowing yourself to remember. Fully incorporating the trauma into your psyche is how you are going to be able to look at it and see it for what it was- something that was done to you. It does not define you, and it does not lessen you. We are going to move past this, together, I promise you. Have you done any journeling around the events?"

Her voice was quiet and still cracked as she answered. "N... no. I tried recording a log but I just stop and delete everything."

The doctor nodded in an understanding manner and replied in the same gentle tone they had been using, “I’m going to recommend using old school pen and paper for this one, actually,” Asa replied, “There is something therapeutic about putting it on physical paper, the physical connection to what you are writing is cathartic. So, that’s going to be homework for next time. I guess I should have mentioned, each session we do will have homework to be completed before our next appointment. Sorry about that…Anyway, for next time, replicate yourself a journal. A pretty one, or a functional one, or one that in some way gives you joy when you see it. Then get yourself a pen you want to use. I don’t care if it’s a feather or scented markers- just something that you will enjoy the physical act of using. Then write the memories of what happened when you were a child, but instead of focusing only on events, I want you to write what you felt. I want to know when you felt something cold, or what sound was in the background, if you bit your lip and tasted blood, or if there was an itchy loose string in your clothing. On top of all that, I want you to write down what thoughts you remember thinking in that moment. I’m going to give you an example…”

Bending between their legs and under the chair, Asa picked up a small journal, bound in deep crimson leather with an embossed tree on the front. It was battered looking and appeared to have been used often. A few loose pages attempted to make an escape, but were gently tucked back in by the doctor.

Sensing the question in the air, Asa said with a slight shrug, “This is my journal. I’ve had it for about 2 years, and I used it to process some things I went through as a child as well. I’m going to read you a brief few sentences from an entry about hiding from my father.”

”I am hiding in the corridor in the rear of the assembly, I can feel a pebble in my right shoe trying to work its way from my heel to the toe. It is hot outside, too hot to enjoy, and I think that the heat is going to make father angrier. I am afraid of his anger and try to make myself smaller. There is a smell of petrichor in the air, and I hear steps approaching my hiding spot.”

Listening intently, Dox's stomach tightened. In that moment, hearing of Asa's own pain, she found it impossible to separate her friend Asa from her Councilor, Doctor Dael.

The book journal closed gently as Doctor Dael made eye contact with Melanie again. “Now, you aren’t going to get all those details at first. This was after years of practice on my part. And you may not be able to do the whole thing on the first try. Honestly, I’d be surprised if you did. Just write what you can, and when you are done, write how you feel after journaling your memories. Then, the next day, re-read what you wrote and journal how reading it makes you feel. Repeat that process each day until same time next week, sound ok?...Does that sound achievable?”

Bringing her focus back to what Asa was saying as a Counselor, Dox nodded silently at first before speaking. Her face was flush with a twinge of green around her eyes where she had been crying and her voice was still broken. "Yeah." She sniffled. "Yeah, I can do that. yeah."

"Thank you," Asa replied with sincerity, "Now, I don't want to end on a negative. So, let's picture what your life will look like as you heal, not in terms of what you don't want it to be, but in terms of what you dowant it to be? What are three things you can work towards over the next year that will mean healing for you? Something that doesn't rely on any external force?"

Without really thinking, Dox muttered out an "I don't know... I don't..." Then stopped herself and gave it the proper thought. Running her fingers awkwardly through her hair, she sat and thought for a good minute and a half, just staring blankly.

"I want to work harder on my meditation techniques. The one's Sonak has been teaching me. It helps with the... the nightmares. And it's been making it easier to remember things. And... and I hope that it can help me not automatically default to being angry all the time." She rubbed the back of her hands, which showed the faintest of green bruising from the somewhat agressive over use of the practice dummy in her quarters.

"I want to start... being better at not always hiding, I guess. Hiding... myself. Leaving my quarters more and not just assuming everyone is thinking the worst of me."

Then she hung her head low and paused again, fidgeting again. Glancing quickly up, then back down towards her fidgeting hands, Dox took a deep breath. "And... I need to... I need to learn how to start letting people in more. And stop being... being afraid that sooner or later, everyone will abandon me when they've had enough of my problems."

Dox shut her eyes as she exhaled. "Like... maybe turning the sound proofing field off in my quarters that I activate every night because I'm afraid that the person whose quarters are right next to mine will get sick of me waking up screaming in the middle of the night, even though they told me I could always go to them if I was... if I needed help."

Fresh tears slipped down Dox's face as she spoke, unable to make eye contact with Asa out of shame. Even as the words were coming out, she knew she was blurring the line between her friend Asa and her Councilor, Doctor Dael. But it was something she needed to say.

"It seems to me that if someone were to tell you that you could go to them anytime that they wouldn't mind a disturbance, and would be honored to receive your trust," Asa replied quietly. The doctor was young, and as green as Dox's now-Romulan blood when it came to counseling, but they knew a cry for help when they heard it. And compartmentalization was to protect the patient, but there are times when any decent doctor knew to drop the professional detachment and just be a person.

"Anger is good. It has a purpose. It protects us until we have the ability to heal. It's ok to be angry, dont feel like you shouldn't me. It's how you deal with anger that matters. From what I see, you are taking the brave steps to reach out and accept help, you are learning to trust in spite of a history of betrayal, and you are learning new techniques for emotional regulation. If anger helps gets you motivated to achieve your goals, it's doing its job. I will help you learn how to tolerate the negative feelings that come, and in time there will be more positive than negative. I promise. And talk to your neighbor- let your friends help in ways that a counselor can't. You may be surprised at how much people care."

The last was said in a voice heavy with emotion, after all Doctor Asa Dael did truly and deeply care for Melanie Dox, as a physician and a friend.

Wiping her face dry, Dox tried to compose herself. "Imirrhlhhse..." She cursed at herself. "Thank you. I'm... I'm trying. And I'll... I'm going to keep trying."

With a somewhat awkward but sincere half smile, Dox continued. "And, I'll have to remember to tell my friend next door that i'm really sorry, too. I did believe them when they said they would be there for me and I trusted them, but I think that that scared me a little. Im not always comfortable with... being comfortable."

“You are doing more than trying, you are succeeding,” Asa replied, matching Melanie’s half smile.

“I’m going to schedule the reconstruction surgery for next week. I believe this is an informed choice on your part, and one that accurately reflects your internal, lasting self-image. That said, we have some work to do to get you to a place where you accept yourself more, and where you can process the traumatic events from your past. For now, let’s plan on sessions once per week…we can always increase that if needed, but it’s a good starting point. Do you have any questions for me? Or anything you feel you need from therapy that I can better provide?” Asa inquired, truly wanting to provide the best service possible, and also feeling a tad insecure about knowing what the heck they were actually doing.

Smiling, and starting to feel a little better, Dox replied. "I can't think of any specific questions. At least not right now. But I can say that when I got sent to Earth as a teenager, I saw 3 different councilors over as many years and a few more in the Academy. Most just sat there and stared at me while I talked, so you're already ahead of the curve there."

Chuckling slightly, the anxious young Officer continued. "And you never once bragged about your ability to enter my mind at will, so that's another plus. So, thank you. I'm hoping this is finally the right path for me."

“Thank you,” Asa replied with a slight blush, “I…I do my best. Never was a fan of one sided conversations, and the only way I can enter your mind is surgically, and I think we already did that one, yes?” they concluded with a wink.

"Yeah, once was enough." Dox laughed. "So, I'll see you next week Doctor Dael. And I'll see you later, Asa." As she headed towards the door, Dox offered the slight joke to her friend. Smiling, she stepped out into the corridor.

With a giggle at the joke, Asa walked Melanie to the door. Once they were alone in the office, Doctor Dael let out a breath they didn’t realize they had been holding.

“Ok, maybe I can do this,” they said to the empty office, then indulged in a thirty second victory dance that would likely eradicate any image of professionalism the crew had if they had seen it.

Cabbage patching complete, the doctor put on their professional smile and went back to Sickbay to see their next patient and contemplate the next challenge.