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Taking Their Own Advice

Posted on Sun Feb 10th, 2019 @ 12:29am by Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox & Lieutenant Asa Dael

Mission: Earthly Visitation
Location: Mnhei'sahe Dox Quarters
Timeline: After Recovery Story

It was another sleepless night for Lieutenant Junior Grade Asa Dael. Since returning from a kidnapping mishap on shore leave Asa had a hard time sleeping. They had met a wonderful creature named Vrildi, a stunning being made of the deepest shade of Emerald green gas, and exchanged a deep telepathic communication before fusing their forms to help Vrildi evade capture. Of course, this was after Asa had taken a severe beating and before they were shot in the abdomen. The good doctor had survived only through a daring rescue from Lieutenant Mnhei'sahe Dox and emergency care from the ships EMH. While the worst of their physical injuries were healing, Doctor Dael still felt broken inside, and every time they closed their eyes the horrors of the ordeal were waiting on them.

The most recent attempt at sleep had resulted in one fitful hour of rest before Asa woke up to trembling hands and a racing heart. The soft glow of the nebula scene that comprised the walls of Asa’s quarters only served to make the young doctor feel more alone…and alone was not a good thing right now.

You aren’t safe. Someone could just beam you out or something and no one would even know. God, this room is so huge and quiet, and I’m all alone with my thoughts again. I wish I could talk to Virildi, I wish I knew they were ok. But of course I can’t do that because I would probably just put them in danger again. After all, my primary occupation seems to be just screwing things up. I almost transported Rita into the void, I couldn’t do anything to save those men on Section 31-B, Mnhei’sahe risked her life and career because I’m too much of an idiot to even be able to go swimming without getting in mortal peril, and oh yeah, you suck so badly you let your Dad basically kill your mom and brother, Asa. Great freaking job. Honestly, maybe the universe is just telling you that it doesn’t want you around.

Throughout the mental tirade Asa had become more and more upset, and felt increasingly worthless. A small voice at the back of their mind was reminding them that these thoughts did not reflect reality and that Asa was disregarding other factors and coming to erroneous conclusions. During the day Asa could manage to listen to that voice, to keep themselves centered on facts and function in their role as Chief Medical Officer. The nights were different though, long hours spent alone in rumination brought out the worst part of Asa’s brain, often leaving them crying and shaking in fear alone in their quarters.

Getting up out of bed to wash off their face, Asa caught sight of their reflection looking haggard in the mirror. “This is ridiculous,” they told the image. Gathering their bravery, Asa decided to take some advice they once gave their friend Mnhei’sahe and chose to not hurt alone.

After screwing up the courage, they walked next door and rang the chime as warning before entering Dox’s quarters. For her part, Dox had only recently returned to her quarters after spending the last few hours working overtime to keep her own mind occupied. The events of the last few days had been an extremely tumultuous one for many aboard the Hera and Dox found focusing on work helpful in keeping from getting lost in her own mind.

On this night, she had been burried underneath the Runabout Selune performing a particularly dirty bit of repairs to the hydrolic systems of the landing assembly. It wasn't a job a department head usually performed, but she found the work relaxing sometimes.

"Asa! Oh my goodness, what's going..." But before she finished the thought, she stopped, knowing better. She was there and saw the end of what the young El-Aurian doctor had gone through.

Finding the lieutenant alone, Asa ran over and collapsed next to her, sniveling pitifully before burying their face in a surprised looking Mnhei’sahe’s arms.

“I….I can’t do this anymore,” they wept, “I’ve tried so hard to be brave. I’m supposed to be better than this! Why can’t I pull myself together! I have all this knowledge about everything going on in my head and it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, and nothing helps, and it’s always going to hurt, and do you even know how long a time that is for me? I’m an immortal idiot! And I’m always going to be useless and a burden to anyone who cares about me, and I just can’t do it! I just….I can’t….it’s too hard…”

Feeling almost literal pain for the young officer thought of as a younger sibling, she wrapped her soft arms tight around them. Asa was one of the best things she felt she had in her life and Dox would be damned if she didn't do everything she could to help. "No, no, no. shhh."

Her voice dropped to a low whispering coo as she spoke to her hysterical friend. "You stop that. That's bullshit. You are the sweetest, most compassionate, most wonderful person I have EVER met and WILL ever meet. And I know! I checked with our android niece from the future and she totally confirmed all of that." It was a joke to hopefully cut through Asa's pain for a second, but it was the first thing the struggling young Romulan could think of.

"Huh," Asa half-chuckled, "She may not have been an impartial observer, but thank you..."

Plopping unceremoniously on the floor, Asa went to wipe their face, but noticed the hands that had been clinging to Dox's uniform were now soiled with the grime that covered their friend.

"Um, Mnhei'sahe, why does it look like you have been sweeping chimney's in Victorian London?" Asa inquired in a small voice.

Looking down at her own uniform top, Dox sighed. "Hnave." She cursed in Romulan. "Hold on, let me get you a wet towel." Dox walked quickly into the bathroom, pulling off her clothes as she walked to toss into the laundry bin. Moments later she re-emerged in her bra and underwear with a damp towel. "Sorry, I was working on one of the shuttles tonight. Kinda made a mess of myself."

"Now talk to me, honey. What's going on? Nightmares? Flumping to the ground next to the trembling doctor, Dox reached over and began wiping down their now-grimy hands with the damp cloth like a Mother would with a child.

Still snuffling piteously, Asa nodded.

“It started with nightmares, now I just wake up every hour or so and can’t get back to sleep. I keep thinking of every stupid mistake I’ve made, everyone I put in danger by my actions, how much of a burden dealing my inability to take care of myself is for everyone else, and how inevitably I’m going to screw up worse and get someone killed for it...I…I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve your friendship. I’m just some idiot child who thought they could grow up simply by leaving home. I’m useless in the field, and the EMH is a better surgeon than I am. I don’t know why I’m even here anymore,” Asa concluded with a crack in their voice.

Putting her arm around Asa and hugging her in tight to her soft chest, Dox whispered "Stop that, honey. No." Putting her hand on Asa's head, Dox began lightly petting it as she spoke. "You're here because you need to be here. Because we need you. I've read the reports. You're amazing in the field, one of the coolest heads on any Away Team. You've saved MY dumb life more times than I can remember at this point. Hell, you LITERALLY put me back together. And every day, you keep me together."

Putting her hand on Asa's cheek, Dox gently raised the crying doctors face to face her own, her own eyes wet with tears for how close to home Asa's fears are. "You are my best friend... this ship needs you, I need you. I know how hard this is for you right now, and you know I do. To feel like your world is crumbling and that everything you do makes it all worse. But it's a lie."

As the words came out, Dox's stomach tightened a little at how closely it all felt to her own problems and her own feelings. And just knowing that Asa felt like that almost made the young woman angry to think about. "It's all lies, honey."

Going boneless in Mnhei’sahe’s embrace, Asa let the tears flow for a few moments before saying anything. The entire affair had been so overwhelming, and while they knew logically this was a trauma reaction, it was incredibly difficult to see past the emotion to the truth of the matter. After warring so long with themselves alone, it was a comfort just to be able to say all those doubts and fears aloud to a friend.

“You’re my best friend too, Mnhei’sahe,” Asa finally said, then allowed the silence to settle again for a moment before continuing, “I’d be lost without you. Thank you for saving me…I…I know it wasn’t easy on you, that you don’t like violence…I don’t either…..but those men…..what they did….what they were goingto do…And Vrildi….I don’t even know if they made it safely away. I mean, I think they did, but I won’t know for another 300 years when we meet back in the cave, I told you about that, right? That they wanted to see me again? Everything was going so wonderfully until he showed up….” The contempt Asa put into the word “he” indicated it must have been Jake they were referring to.

The sound of the name of the man that had tortured Asa caused Dox to involuntarily tighten up slightly. Dox didn't have the heart to tell Asa how much she enjoyed nearly beating him to death. That when she watched Death claim his life hours later, she was secretly glad. that she would have personally fought through a thousand Jakes to keep Asa safe, her own soul be damned. She now knew that her rage in those moments had been stoked by the cosmic influence of Death, but the seeds were hers and she owned that.

Instead, she forced herself to relax for Asa's sake, focus on them, and kept holding them tight. "You told me you and Vrildi merged. That left a trace in your system that the Doctor was able to isolate. I bet if you ask Rita and Sonak, they can figure out a way to find them to see if they're okay. But there was no trace of that energy signature on Mars except the little bit in you, so Vrildi got away."

Wanting to try and keep Asa's mind from dwelling on the horrors, Dox instead tried to lead them back to Vrildi. "So, they want to meet you again? That sounds wonderful. Tell me about them, they sound pretty special."

Snuggling in to speak about happier affairs, Asa allowed themself to be diverted from the self-recrimination, happy to catch up with their friend about something so wonderful in spite of the unhappy circumstances.

“I was in Madagascar, went to go see the trees that were on my wall, you know? The trees were so beautiful, and there was this beach nearby where I stopped at a resort. It was all so lovely, and I was enjoying swimming and exploring things on my own. I had been swimming offshore for a while and I found this little cave. Really pretty little grotto, the kind of thing you see in holovids. I went in to rest for a bit before swimming back, and this green sphere came floating out. Of course, I was curious, who wouldn’t be?

So I stuck around and the sphere acted out a rough approximation of Pi, so I knew the being was intelligent. They kind of reached towards me, and I reached towards them, and our minds were joined. We could feel what the other was feeling, and they told me the story of their world from long ago and how they wandered the Universe alone. Even told me that I was something unique too, if you can believe that. I think they were just being kind….I mean, look at me. I’m just me. But Virildi was amazing, older than many planets in the galaxy, they had seen so much, and just a glimpse of it was breathtaking.

And we danced….you can’t even imagine what that felt like, sharing a mind with someone as you shared your movements together. We were so entwined and wrapped in one another….it was so perfect. Even our merging was glorious. I’ve never felt so loved, so cared for, so complete…but then it was over, and…and….and……” Asa burst into tears again, unable to recount the horrible feeling of loss they felt, and in fact still did feel.

Dox just smiled, hugging their friend. Of course, she could imagine having been briefly merged with the shard of a cosmic titan for a short time a few weeks ago. But she didn't want to make it about her. "So, a cosmic being comprised of energy and gas, incalculably old and wise, saw you and decided to introduce itself and share it's being with you because you are SO amazingly unique and special, and you still doubt it? Asa, I've lived in space my entire life. I've seen thousands of different kinds of people. Most of them are selfish, cruel things. Ugly inside in so many ways. But in all of that time I've only me one Asa Dael. You are unique and special and perfect."

"And if it is in any way possible, I will help you find Virildi so you can tell them how you feel about them. I promise I will."

“I….I really hope I get to. When they were leaving they asked to meet me again in 300 years in the cave where we met. Virildi said they needed time away from corporeal life because every time they go around us they see so much fear and violence, and who can argue? But why are people so cruel, Mnhei’sahe? I always thought growing up that if I could just get away from the idiots I lived with that the universe would be wonderful, and that justice would rule, and people would work to make one anothers lives better, because why would they not? But it’s just the same, sad, stupid arguments over and over, world to world. Greed and distrust, violence, cruelty….what’s the point of it all? I just want to help people, was I foolish to think that would make a difference? ” Asa asked, eyes huge, staring up at Mnhei’sahe.

"No, honey." Dox replied with a pained expression on her face. "This galaxy just doesn't deserve you. We're not good enough for you. You do so much more than any one person could for... for everyone."

"I'm just a doctor," Asa replied, looking confused, "I just try to make people better, that's kind of the whole point of the profession."

Sheepishly Asa continued, "You are good too, Mnhei'sahe. You wouldn't have been so bothered by the deaths when we rescued Kodria if you weren't. Plus the Captain must think so if she made you a baroness. I. I didn't get you in any trouble, did I? I should have asked before now, I'm sorry."

The questions stung hard but Dox deflected as best as possible. "You're a lot more than a just a doctor, Asa. And you didn't get me in trouble, no." Dox stood up and walked over to the Replicator. "Let me get you something to drink. You want a hot chocolate?"


With a slight grin Asa said, "Always, you know that. You just got in, right? Dont skip dinner on my account, I am just being ridiculous, I should know better than what my brain keeps telling me. I know i am acting like a stereotypical trauma victim, so why cant I stop."

"Computer, one Hot Chocolate. Thank you." With a shimmer of light, the wide steamimg mug appeared. Dox picked it up and handed it to Asa as she sat back down on the floor across from them.

"Because trauma makes us blind. We can't see past our own pain for a while. It's just something that takes time. We talk it out with people. We try to understand the reasons. And when there are no reasons, we try and figure out how to blame ourselves." As Dox talked, she realized much of what she was saying could be applied to herself. Much, but not all. But she just wanted to keep Asa's mind occupied.

Sipping the hot chocolate with both hands, Asa thought on that for a moment.

"Sounds like you have some experience there, huh? I made an appointment for subspace counseling with an old professor. I enjoy counseling the crew, but I think I need one of my own right now. I need help getting my head on straight. I don't want to hurt like this anymore," Asa said in a small, open voice.

"We all need help sometimes and that's good. I'm glad you're going to talk to someone who will have smarter stuff to say than me." Dox let a melancholy smile across her face. "And you can always come here as long as you want to."

"Look, you stay here tonight, okay? You can take the bed and I'll crash here on the couch. But that way you won't be alone, okay?" Dox asked, smiling.

"I'm bendy, I don't mind the couch," Asa replied, "Thanks, Mnhei'sahe, you are a good friend. Sleep well."

Dox smiled through as she countered. "Nope. Not an option. Tell you what, it's a bigger bed than I need anyway. Do you think you might feel better if we just crashed together?"

Dox knew Asa was a nearly compulsive snuggler and hoped the offer would help her hurting friend get a decent nights sleep.

The first genuine smile of the evening lit up Asa's face. "Really? You don't mind? That would be great. So what side am I on?"

 

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