Mending The Pieces.

Posted on Thu Jun 18th, 2015 @ 6:26pm by Lieutenant JG Ellery Bretton M.D. & Lieutenant Commander Ethan Chaparral MD

Mission: The New Sydney Fiasco
Location: Sickbay
Timeline: Backpost to Ethan's intial return

Ethan woke up from his drugged sleep. The last thing he remembered was Dylan proposing to him and promising to be there when he woke up. When his eyes fluttered open, Dylan wasn't there. In his place was a woman he didn't recognize. Part of his mind knew he was safe and in sickbay. But that was the rational part of his mind. But fear and panic overrode the reason.

His heart thundered in his chest, color drained from his face and his eyes grew large. He curled into a fetal position, "This rescue was all a hoax an illusion. I see it now. Well you're still not going to get me to talk. So... so just kill me now and get it over with," he said in a pleading tone.

Ellery inhaled slowly and took a few beats to consider the events unfolding around her. She'd learned through experience that when confronted with other people's heightened emotions, it was especially important for her to take a few moments to calm herself and considered the best way to respond. People in crisis had a tendency to mirror the behavior of those they interacted with, even subconsciously.

Recognizing the trauma induced fight or flight reaction for what it was, Bretton kept her tone certain and even. "Ethan, my name is Ellery Bretton. I'm a psychiatrist aboard the USS Hera, where you are currently safe. Take a few moments to steady your breathing and look around to be sure for yourself." In the meantime, Ellery took the opportunity to glance at the monitors nearby just to be sure Ethan showed no signs of physical distress. The repairs to his body were just beginning, but were already extensive, and the last thing she wanted to do was add to the trauma his body had endured and reduce his immune system response. Regardless of the advanced technology available today, infection was still the enemy whenever amputation was involved.

Dylan, his anchor, was not there, but he knew he couldn't be far away, and he knew where he was in the Hera's sickbay, he recognized it. He let out a long breath and slowly uncurled. His heart rate started to decline, though it was still higher than normal. "Where's my..." he hesitated, unsure what title he should give Dylan, "my fiance. He was supposed to be here."

"He's not far," Emery reassured him. "He'll be by to visit you shortly. I just wanted to introduce myself and check on you briefly before letting you get some rest. I know you've been through a lot physically and emotionally, and you still have a long way to go to recover, but I want you to know, you are safe here and I and the rest of the medical staff are doing everything we can to help you heal."

Ethan uncurled from his protective ball, if only slightly. "Ar...are you sure. I, I do don't feel safe."

Emery nodded and moved a bit closer, but she was careful not to get too close so as not to alarm him. "Keep taking slow deep breaths, Ethan. It's natural to be anxious and very confused right after a trauma followed by surgery. Your body's probably fighting the sedatives and the painkillers because you're still in fight or flight mode. I know you know what I'm talking about, but you don't have to be a doctor now. We'll take care of you."

Ethan uncurled a little more, "He asked me to marry him. All this time away, all this time apart and he asked me to marry him."

"I hope you said yes," Emery offered with a smile. "Long-awaited proposals are the best kind. You have someone to get better for, Ethan."

"Of course I said yes. I never stopped loving him. He's the only man I've ever really loved, except for Kyle, my first, but he died."

"I'm sorry," Bretton replied sincerely. "I'm glad you'll have someone special to support you through your recovery. In the coming hours and days, you may be tempted to push him away because you're angry, hurt, or just don't feel good enough. All of those feelings are normal and to be expected, but resist the temptation to isolate yourself as much as you can. We are all here to help you, and you don't have to do this alone. You're not weak just because you can handle this by yourself."

"I don't want to lose Dylan, like I lost Kyle," he said seemingly not hearing the counselor, "it was my fault Kyle died, all my fault and now I'm afraid, I'll be the cause of Dylan's dying."

Ellery decided she needed to engage his professional thinking for a moment to prevent him from spiraling down any further. His anxiety was understandable, but it was clear he was not really hearing her. "Doctor, what would you tell a patient who was worried about an outcome that hadn't happened yet?"

There was a long pause. "I guess, I would tell them that worrying about it won't change the outcome, might even make whatever they're worried about happen, psychoanalytically. I guess that's what I am doing isn't it. But you know I've never told Dylan about Kyle."

"Perhaps Kyle isn't really the issue at all," Ellery offered. "Given what you've just been through, I think it's only natural that you'd be worried about loss in the future and that you'd be thinking about losses from your past."

"I., I don't want to think about loss at all, but it's all I can focus on," the doctor replied.

"Healing physically and emotionally is going to take time," Ellery offered with a nod. "What you're feeling right now is completely normal. The important thing is not to judge yourself too harshly or push people away in the coming days. There is no right way to feel about what you've been through, and while it will be difficult to trust everyone, it's important that you accept support from someone. I'm here for you. You don't have to figure all of this out right now or by yourself."

He ran his good hand through his hair. "I will need you. Right now, even with Dylan, I don't see how I am going to get through this. Without him, well without him, I wouldn't want to."

Ellery was a bit concerned about how much he was focused on Dylan, and more specifically focused on how much he loved him as well as Ethan's past romantic history. Bretton understood the ACMO was looking to focus on something positive in his life, but she also noted all routes of conversation led to Dylan and their love. It was as if Ethan had a one track mind and could focus on nothing else, or had something to prove. It was one thing to have something else to focus on, but quite another to use it to avoid discussing what he'd been through and his associated feelings. "Right now, I'd like to focus on just you and how you're feeling right now."

There was a long silence, while he just looked at her. Then, finally he admitted, "I feel terrified, I don't want to be alone and I feel like this is my fault. If I'd been more careful. If I hadn't gone to meet Ian, none of this would have happened and I'd still be whole."

"Or maybe he would've found you anyway," Ellery allowed. "From what I gathered, Ian was quite the determined individual." As much as she knew his self blame was inaccurate, she knew it was better not to press him too much on that point for now. He'd been traumatized, and blaming himself, however irrational, was his way of trying to make sense of what happened. At least he was actively trying to process the trauma and not avoiding it altogether. "In time, I believe you'll come to see this was not your fault, but in the meantime, do you think you can try and cut yourself some slack as a doctor? Your body's been flooded with adrenaline and I'd be worried if you weren't terrified right now. I'll stay with you as long as you need, and if you'll indulge me, I think some slow deep breaths will help you feel a bit calmer."

Ethan made an effort to calm himself, and did as he was told. He took several slow deep breaths. It didn't help much, but it helped a little. He was pretty sure that no how much time passed, he would continue to blame himself, because it really was his fault. If Ian had come after him, there would have been witnesses. Someone would have seen, but he'd allowed himself to be seduced by a pretty face and a big dick.

The fact that he'd been turning back before the meeting was supposed to take place really didn't occur to him at the time. But he didn't want to discuss that with the Counselor, or Dylan or anyone else for that matter. Not now.

So instead of saying what he really felt he said, "maybe you're right. I just know I'm scared and don't want to close my eyes."

Ellery recognized a brush off when she heard it, bur for now, she decided to deal with the immediate need. "That's ok. I'll sit with you as long as you like."

"Can you give me something to help me sleep, something where I won't have any dreams?"

Ellery considered his request for a moment before replying, "I'll have to clear it with your primary physician, but a sedative wouldn't be out of the ordinary right now." Bretton knew the priority was for Ethan to rest and for his body to recuperate, but she also knew eventually, his psychological recovery would require him to face those dreams and memories, and not avoid them.

"Well I guess my attending would be my boss, the new CMO, but I don't know that he's officially aboard yet. Right now talking to you, I'm okay. Well not okay, but you know what I mean. And when I talk with Dylan, or any of the staff here I can handle that. But I can't handle being alone.

When I'm alone I see him wit.. I see him with his knife and his torch an..." his voice trailed off as his eyes once more filled with fear. "Please, you have to help me get him out of my head."

"I will," Ellery reassured him sincerely. "However, your psychological healing process is going to take time, and I don't want to tax your body and mind with too much while you're still healing physically. That said, and like to teach you something called grounding, which will help you manage the flashbacks and intrusive memories. Whenever you find yourself seeing or reliving something traumatic, I want you to tell yourself to focus on the present and what you can notice using your five senses. Feel the bio bed against your back and the rest of your body. Notice the lighting shining down on your face. Hear the sound of the bio bed monitors beeping. Will you practice that with me?"

"I'll try," Ethan said. He turned so he was laying flat on his back instead of on his side. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep that way, which was fine by him. Keeping his eyes open, he made an effort to feel the bed beneath him, to hear the beeping of the monitor the light now shinning into his eyes.

He didn't exactly relax, but a little of the tension he was feeling ebbed out of his body.

"Good," Ellery encouraged. "Focus on what your senses tell you and take slow deep breaths."