Anxiety

Posted on Wed Feb 20th, 2019 @ 8:42pm by Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox

Mission: Recovery Trek
Location: Deck 8, Crew Quarters
Timeline: 2396

If there could ever be said that there is a universal constant, a fixed point in space that could always be counted on to be there, it was Lieutenant Mnhei'sahe Dox's anxiety.

By all accounts, the young Romulan pilot should have precious little to be anxious about aside from the rigors of her job as Flight Control Chief of the U.S.S. Hera. Her career was advancing well as she was taking on more command responsibilities. Her piloting skills and dedication earned her a promotion to full Lieutenant status within months of joining the crew. She had made friendships stronger than any familial relationships she had ever had. She had been named a Baroness of the Artan Pirate family by her Captain, Enalia Telvan. She had become friends with Death herself, the woman once known as Masato Rei.

And she had inexplicably found love.

So, of course, as she wandered around her largely empty quarters after the end of her shift, she was doubting everything in her life. Ensign Mona Gonadie was putting in a little overtime in her workshop that evening and the anxious aviatrix was feeling particularly lonely, and that was fueling her self-doubt.

On their second date, Mona told Mnhei'sahe that her species, the avian Miradonians, mated for life. And Mona told her that she was fairly certain that she had already bonded herself to Dox. It was more than a little intimidating, but even still Dox was questioning herself. After all, how long could anyone put up with her anxiety, nervousness and low self-esteem? If there was anyone in the galaxy that could make a species that mates for life regret that decision, Dox felt that it must be her.

She was a mess and she knew it. And eventually, everyone around her was going to understand just how impossible Dox's issues would be to live with. As she flumped on her couch, avoiding her bedroom, she sighed. She felt like it was only a matter of time before Mona, Rita, Enalia, Asa and the rest of the crew saw her for the fraud she really was. A poor chief who didn't know how to lead others. An adequate pilot that could be replaced by any officers under her aegis. A broken lover that would do more harm than good to someone as wonderful as Mona. She knew she didn't deserve that love.

So instead, she turned around on the couch and looked out the long windows into space. That endless void was the only thing that ever felt like home to her and at least in space, her insignificance was just another speck to be ignored, as it should be.

She felt herself begin to cry for no particular reason. Just a wave of depression and anxiety that spiraled out of nowhere to overtake her. She was alone with her own thoughts and that was often the most dangerous place in the universe for Mnhei'sahe Dox. As she sat there, wiping an errant tear from her eye, she turned to the bedroom of her quarters. The room she had been avoiding.

A few days ago, Mona had been in there on her free time, redecorating. She had replaced the standard issue Starfleet bedding with a luxurious, soft set of sheets and comforters. Each a rainbow of color reflecting the colors in Mona's own dazzling plumage. There were now rich green and yellow curtains up over the windows and a framed picture of the two on the nightstand next to the holo-parrot that the Miradonian pilot had gifted Dox.

It was clear that given enough time, Mona would end up completely redecorating Dox's otherwise barren quarters. She had been dropping hints of wanting the two to move in and as a senior officer, Dox had the larger quarters by far. But Dox had tried avoiding the topic. She was concerned that if Mona got too close, she would see too much of her scars and issues and pain and Mona would run. And in spite of her anxiety screaming at her to end it before it got too serious, she didn't want to. She didn't even know she was capable of it, but she was in love. It scared her just how much she thought about Mona. Worried about Mona. Needed Mona.

Standing up, Dox went over to the corner cabinet where a kitchenette would go if Dox had one and pulled out a bottle of Kali-Fal that the Baroness Schwein von Alcott had given her as a gift, welcoming her to the Artan family. Known as Romulan Ale in the rest of the galaxy, Dox looked at the bottle and pulled the stopper out. She stood there, staring at it for a moment, wanting to drown her anxiety. Bury it with alcohol and stop hurting inside for at least a little while.

When she drank, she drank because it was the only time she didn't feel guilty for her feelings. When she didn't feel ashamed to want to push everyone away. When she drank, she welcomed her self-pity like an old friend. When she drank, it was okay to be broken.

After what felt like an eternity staring at the bottle, she replaced the cork and put it back in the cabinet. She didn't want to wash her pain away that night. That night, she wanted to feel it. She wanted to feel it, let it in and kill it. She didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Stepping across the room, Dox stepped into her bedroom. The little corner of Mona Gonadie on the U.S.S. Hera. She sat on the bed and ran her hands over the soft, colorful bedding and thought of Mona's arms around her. She thought of how she felt when Mona was around. She thought of not feeling alone anymore and she liked it. And greedily, she wanted to feel that way all the time.

Mona hadn't run away. She had already seen so much of Dox's pain and issues and pulled her closer. Asa and Rita had literally picked Dox up from her worst breakdowns and helped her find her footing again. Rei literally kept her alive when she would have otherwise died. Enalia was actively trying to help Dox reconcile with her broken family. These people weren't going to abandon her. She knew it, and maybe that's what really scared her.

Not that she was going to be abandoned again, but that she wasn't. They weren't going to give up on Mnhei'sahe Dox. And they weren't going to let her give up on herself, and that was the most intimidating undiscovered country of them all to the perpetually anxious young Romulan. She had become comfortable being alone. Being defeated. But on the Hera, she wasn't alone. She was encouraged and fostered. Her skills were appreciated and her wounds were tended to, both physically and mentally.

She wasn't alone. And she realized that she finally didn't want to be, anymore.