A Long Walk Home

Posted on Wed Feb 27th, 2019 @ 12:43pm by Lieutenant Commander Mnhei'sahe Dox

Mission: Recovery Trek
Location: The Corridors of the Hera
Timeline: 2396

"You had one damn job." Mnhei'sahe Dox thought as she walked through the seemingly empty corridors of the U.S.S. Hera after a long and eventful day was finally over. It was late and the young Lieutenant had just been dismissed from sickbay after being asked to accompany Commander Rita Paris during the onboarding of a refugee from another universe was left in Rita's care while in the wormhole.

the Vulcan Az'Prel had encountered impossible horrors and Dox's one job was simply to observe and learn while following Rita Paris through the lengthy process of getting Az'Prel acclimated to the ship and this reality. It was a long day that ended in sickbay with frayed emotions and a rising tension that Dox simply had to add to by doing the one thing she didn't have to do.

Open her mouth.

In the middle of a discussion, the anxious young Romulan pilot forgot her place AS a pilot and interjected her unwanted opinion into a discussion between Commander Paris, Doctor Dael and Lieutenant Sonak. For some reason, the fly on the wall decided to pipe up and promptly put her foot in her mouth, angered Commander Paris and brought the entire discussion to a halt.

So Dox walked through the corridors, filled with too much nervous energy and anger at herself to go to her quarters when Mona Gonadie waited with warm arms and soft words to assure her that everything would be okay. But Dox didn't want assurances. She wanted to punish herself for forgetting her place.

She was a pilot on a Starship that could easily fly itself. She was the single most replaceable member of the Hera's senior staff and she wanted to feel like less than at that particular moment. She paused in front of the door to Ten-Forward, not even knowing how she got to that deck as she thought about going in for a drink to calm her nerves. Just one drink to take that edge off and make it easier to not care about how useless she felt. How meaningless. How stupid.

Just one would do. Ten-Forward had more than enough of the real stuff, she thought. Except she would be seen. Crew members would watch a so-called senior staff officer trying to get drunk and word would spread to Rita and the Captain. Word would spread to Mona. And the problems she was dwelling on would just be compounded.

So the increasingly frustrated your Romulan woman walked away. It had been weeks since she had gotten rid of the practice dummy she used to beat on when she felt like this after breaking her hand on it and attracting the attention of Doctor Asa Dael. Behavior like that, if continued, was a surefire way to be busted back down to nothing and sent packing. So she walked.

As she walked, she got angrier. She had given up all of the things she could do to make herself feel better when she was angry. All the stupid, self-destructive things she used to rely on to punish herself with when she wanted to wallow in self-pity had been put away. And now she felt impossibly alone.

Walking was all she had left in that moment to try and bleed off what she was feeling. The self-doubt and shame and anger at herself just kept spiraling as she walked. She walked until she was simply too tired to hate herself for her stupid little mistake anymore. She was too tired to do anything. She was too tired to fight herself anymore.

After what felt like hours since she left sickbay was, in fact, less than one, she found herself outside the door to her quarters. Knowing Mona was waiting inside, she rested her head against the bulkhead of the corridor outside. Why was she so hesitant to go inside? Why was she avoiding going home?

As she stood there, she accepted the reality. She knew Mona would say the right words. She knew Mona would do the right things. She knew Mona would make her feel better. And on some level that she hated to admit was there, Mnhei'sahe Dox didn't want to feel better. Misery and self-loathing had become her most regular companions in her often bleak life up until joining the Hera and she didn't like letting them go. Being depressed was comfortable. It was stable and steady and there for her when nothing else was.

Except now Mona was there, waiting for her. With warm arms and a gentle voice to remind her that there was something in this universe that loved her no matter what. But still, she was afraid. Afraid to let go of old fears. Afraid to try and be better so she couldn't fail again.

If she walked in that room Mona would assure her that it was just a misunderstanding. Mona would calm her fears that she had made some massive mistake and remind her that everyone's nerves were frayed. Mona would understand. Mona always understood.

And so, Dox stood outside the door to her quarters for what felt like all of time, until the dark little voices in her mind ran out of petty reasons to turn around and drown her self-pity in Kali-Fal.

Then she went home.