Seraglio Of The Stars

Posted on Mon Jun 24th, 2019 @ 9:17pm by Ensign Briaar Gavarus & Ensign Fiona O'Dell

Mission: Fractured Fairy Tales
Location: Presumably somewhere in the Milky Way
Timeline: 2396

Continued from 'Pub Crawl'.

"Briiiiiaar."

"Briiiiiaar, wake oop."

"C'mon, ye great sow, Ah need ye ta wake oop."

"Ah think we're in trouble, Gavarus me old sot."

"Git oop, get oop, get oooop!" By this time O'Dell was shoving the exposed flesh of Gavarus' belly back and forth in a wave motion to try to rouse her.

Groaning, Gavarus began to reluctantly wake up. Her head felt like O'Dell had been tap dancing on it and everything felt entirely too loud. And as she struggled to open her eyes, too bright.

"Oooh... sweet evil hell, Fee. I'm... I'm frickin' awake. S... stop rocking me like that unless you want me to throw up on you." The hungover engineer moaned. "What the frickin' hell?"

As the world came back into focus, Gavarus looked up to see flowing red, chiffon fabric draping across the ceiling of a room that most definitely was not a fake Irish pub. "Fee... where... where the @#$& are we?"



"Judgin' by all the women hereabouts and how they all look, me best guess is that we got wayyyy too drunk last night, and somehow or other we've been shanghaid for some sorta intergalactic harem. I guess somebody likes variety..." Fiona gestured expansively with one hand to the large and open chamber in which they found themselves, which was filled with exotic women. There was a striking Klingon woman, a delicate and beautiful Andorian, a spotted trill, even a Charon. One woman appeared to be an amazonian Orion, until her large serpentine lower half could be seen as she slithered by. A furry humanoid woman with black and white spotted fur like a cow was wearing chaps, a vest and a hat, while a pair of delicate and beautiful humanoid twins lounged nearby.

Everyone's attire was skimpy, sheer and what was generally termed to be 'sexy'.

Blinking incredulously for a few seconds as she sat up, Gavarus' jaw was hanging slack. "Oh, you have got to be freakin' kidding... me. Why is it cold in here?"

As she spoke, she froze, slowly looking down at herself. Gone was the T-shirt, black cargo pants and boots that she had worn to the pub. Instead, she was now wearing some sort of bronze lined bikini top with dangling fringes of shear, transparent lavender that came down from her bosom and fell open around her belly, which left her Tellarite nipples extremely exposed as her race keep them on the lower belly area. Around her waist was a sash holding up what felt like some kind of impossibly skimpy loin cloth with a bronze clasp holding the entire thing in place.

Her small, cloven hooves were exposed but her ankles wrists and neck jangled with a variety of ostentatious gold jewelry. "Oh, what fresh @#$&ing hell is this!?!? Someone changed me when I was passed out!?"

As she spoke, she blushed a deep pink as she tried desperately to cover up her exposed nipples. "Fee, this is frickin' messed up?! How did we..."

Turning to look at her diminutive, red-headed partner in crime, Briaar Gavarus cut herself off mid sentence as she finally looked over and saw what Fiona was wearing which, she realized was the same outfit in which she herself was clad, just much, much smaller, and without Briaar's assets to hold it all in place, it looked like Fiona was having to tug up the top on a regular basis.

"Our lack a'clothing is kinda the least of our problems, Briaar. I've no comm badge, and none of those constellations out the window look familiar at all. On the bright side, there is all the food and drink ye might want over on the tables over there..." Fiona sounded a little mildly hysterical, but she was trying to come off as serious-minded.

Scrambling to her feet, awkward and still groggy from their night of drinking, Gavarus struggled for a moment with the oversized pile of pillows draped in silk she had been sleeping in. Once to her feet, she grabbed at the silk sheets and tried wrapping them around her only to find they were as sheer and see-through as everything else they were wearing. "Oh, come the @#$& On!! What in seven hells!"

"Okay... food actually sounds smart. Help us clear our heads and absorb some of the alcohol in our system. Pending that it ain't poisoned, which seems counterproductive to keeping a frickin' harem. Sweet evil hell, I just said THAT out loud."

Wobbling over to the food with O'Dell in tow, Gavarus found a plain donut that looked settling and took a tentative bite. "How long have you been awake, Fee? Have you talked to any of these other women?"

“Oh aye, aboot an hour or so. I got up, checked the place out and came back to make a more concerted effort to wake yuir ass oop. The big green serpentine naga lass is surprisingly friendly, and I chatted up the twins a bit ago. Apparently this is exactly what it looks like- harem to the stars. Everybody blacked out then came to here, there's big awful sultan in charge of alla this, we've been kidnapped to a pampered life of leisure because he loves the beautiful and the exotic. So, good news! We’re either beautiful or exotic.” Looking down to grasp the bikini top that had no purchase on her flat as a board frame, Fiona tugged it back up comedically. “I guess he lacked a midget. The gal over there in the porno Valkyrie outfit seems pretty outraged over alla this, so I think her and the naga might be hatching a scheme. Me, I need to hatch some more asprin and maybe a little food before I can figure out joost how we’re gonna get outta this mess.”

Looking over to the two women Fiona had indicated, Gavarus chewed on her donut while not succesfully concealing that she was checking out the beautiful emerald-haired serpent woman. "Damn..." She muttered, mouth half full before turning her attention back to the buffet.

“Yah, well, this is gonna kinda be the smorgasbord fer ye I’m afraid, Briaar,” O’Dell shrugged, knowing her porcine pal’s propensity toward large and muscular beautiful women, of which there were a few in the collection of humanoid women the space sultan seemed to have collected.

Famished and successfully keeping the donut down, the porcine engineer grabbed a few pieces of exotic fruit and packed them onto a plate while looking around. "Okay, there are windows but... I... uh... did you see any exits in here? What the hell?"

“Are ye unacquainted wi’ the concept of a harem, Gavarus?” O’Dell asked as she fetched a cup and some water for it. “Generally tis aboot a fella getting his jollies over owning as many exotic an’ beautiful women he can accumulate. S’like inny other collector, really. And from what I hear, he nivvir actually shows up to diddle inny of the girls, joost… likes to watch. Which is only so creepy, right?”

"Watch... what? Because... holy shit... There's a goddamn camera... Fee... is that frickin' hovering camera... watching me EAT!?!", Gavarus stepped slightly to the side as the hovering camera in the air moved with her.

"Oh, for @#$&'s sake, really? What the hell kind of Harem IS this? He doesn't want to watch me do it with the frickin' women in here... He wants to watch me frickin' EAT! Ewwww! Gavarus groused, chewing her food loudly with an open mouth, which didn't seem to dissuade the camera in the slightest.

“Hey hey noow, ye dinna know that. He might want to watch you do it with some of the gals in here,” O’Dell, as per usual, tried to bolster her big buddy’s self-esteem. Watching the floating camera as it maneuvered around watching the tall tellurite inhale food, the midget Mariposian had to admit she might have a point. “Although yuir right, he does seem to like watchin ye eat… So… we’re kidnapped, we’ve nae resources to work with and we’ve still got aboot 3 days to get back to the Hera. So what’s the plan?”

Not knowing if that camera could also hear then, Gavarus stuffed a large pastry in her face, while mumble-whispering out the side of her mouth at O'Dell. "Well... we could wait a few days and watch the show as Dox murder-punches him to death... if she can find us. Ooorrr... that little frickin' thing is a resource. Video transmission, hover capabilities, maybe even audio."

Grabbing a particularly long vegetable that looked a lot like a cucumber, Gavarus leaned over the table in as close to a seductive fashion as was possible, whispering as she tried to mouth the suggestive veggie. "If I can get this frickin' thing to fly in close and low... you can jump on it with that big bread basket and I can try and pick it apart and maybe jury rig a communicator or something?"

Surreptitiously emptying the bread basket onto the table, O’Dell climbed onto the table, looked around to see that no one was watching Then she tackled the floating eye in the sky, bearing it to the deck with her relatively light weight, which was clearly too much for the video voyeur. Sitting on the basket as the cyclopean cybernetic cameraman struggled beneath it, O’Dell looked abundantly pleased with herself.

“Alreet, mission accomplished! Now what?” Ordinarily, the two of them tended to hatch plans together, but at present Fiona was particularly unnerved by their surroundings. While she was making a significant effort to appear outwardly cool and calm, in fact, their situation was mildly terrifying for her, if nothing else because of what being in a harem implied. Plus being exposed as she was just emphasized that she was built very much unlike any of the beautiful and exotic women who currently surrounded them.

While this was often the case on the Hera, everyone was usually wearing a uniform at least, which could leave some to the imagination. Here, she was dressed in sheer bits that didn’t even fit her, and on top of everything else, her body issues were definitely making themselves known. But they had an escape to hatch first, so she could freak out later, she reasoned.

"Frickin' A! Perfect, Fee!" Gavarus chewed the rest of her food and ran over to grab the basket. "Are there any utensils here? Forks, whatever. Hell, frisk the other girls for hairpins or whatever. And anything rubber so I don't fry myself on this @#$%er?"

As she let Fiona up to search for makeshift tools, she peaked through the weave of the basket at the grounded camera. "You like to watch, ya' creepy @#$%er? Watch me take your little toy apart!"

Collecting silverware off the buffet table, Fiona returned with an armload of parts she thought might be useful, which meant that half of it might actually be useful and the other half were what she grabbed in her haste to do something productive. Dropping the collection next to Gavarus, a thought struck the tiny test pilot. Reaching down to grab the trailing ends of the loincloth in front and back, she tied them off to make a sort of diaper for herself, then she moved into position.

“Alreet- I brought ye a cake to keep yuir strength up, and I found a pitcher a’ wine I’ll go fetch…” Zipping off to do so, she returned with a silvered pitcher, which she set down next to the egregarious engineer. “So I’ll sit on him to keep him steady while ye disassemble him?”

"Sounds like a plan, Leprechaun. Let's get this @#$&er over in the corner behind all those ridiculous pillows." Gavarus picked up the equipment and the camera and dragged it all out of sight, which was largely pointless seeing as she had bragged to the camera what she was going to do.

"Okay, when I lift up the basket, just step on the center of it's back, Fee. These outfits might be the stupidest things ever, but your shoes have insulating soles just in case." Gavarus instructed as she lifted the basket and the drone tried to fly away. Wrapping her short gangly arms around it, Fiona used her 90-pound weight to bear it back to the ground. Once there, she stepped on it as instructed as she watched the goings-on with some interest.

“Aye, looks like Hooker Valkyrie and Snake Booty are oop ta something… they’re whisperin' with some of the girls to git something done. Think we ought ta talk to them and offer ta help?” Even saying it aloud O’Dell was dubious. What were the midget and the fat kid going to add to this daring plan the impossibly pretty women hadn’t already thought of, and would likely discount given the source. Better, to her mind, to just stick with her partner. They’d gotten out of jams on their own before, and they’d do it now, too.

While she might not have faith in herself in a lot of areas, Fiona O’Dell did believe that she and her porky pal could overcome just about anything if they set their minds to it.

"Hey, they didn't ask us for help, so let 'em do their own thing, and when we get out of here, we'll take them with us " Gavarus replied with more than a little unwarranted arrogance as she prodded at the retractable eye.of the camera.with a fork and a butter knife.

After a few minutes of working, the unlikely engineer was able to pry the top of the drone open as it immediately went dead and stopped struggling. "Okay, Fee. It's deactivated. Now I can... what the @#$& is going on in this thing?"

Confused, Gavarus motioned for Fiona to take a look. "This thing is... I don't recognize anything going on in here. There's no leads to the propulsion. No wiring. Nothing... This camera isn't connected to any-frickin'-thing!? What... How the hell was it even flying?!"

The perplexed porcine leaned back and tossed her fork down at the seemingly useless machine. "Uh... how's Snakebutt and the Hooker Valkyrie's plan looking?"

“Still in the planning stage, I’m thinkin. They’re all working a wee bit too hard ta look casual reet now,” Fiona admitted, dropping her bony flat ass onto a large cushion and pouting. “Well, kin Ah say this bloody sucks bollocks? We went oot to get a drink, had ourselves a good time in a poob, an’ noow we’re stock in some spacegoing harem fulla women who give me a complex aboot me looks. At least ye get a enjoy the scenery, aye?”

"Giving you a complex? This outfit has by huge ass gut sticking out and doesn't cover my frickin' NIPPLES!" Gavarus flumped back to lay flat on the enormous pillows that seem everywhere, leaving her belly to juggle in the air. "Ugh. Okay, maybe we can throw the damn camera at something?"

“Aye, we should probably wait til we kin get at some guards,” Fiona sighed. “If the Lieutenant were here, she’d throatpunch her way outta this. If Gonadie was here she’d build a little remote controlled mech ta bust her oot. If the Commander was here she'd... well, she'd blend in, and likely lead a revolt or somethin'. All I got is ‘jump a guard and try ta gnaw his ankles off’. Fook it,” O’Dell picked up the pitcher of wine and took a few gulps. “May as well make the most of it.”

"Ooh, gimmie." Gavarus reached up from her prone position on the pillows. "I endorse this plan. Sooner or later the guards will show up and I'll... I dunno... throw you at 'em and we'll rush 'em. Or whatever."

Grabbing the pitcher, Gavarus took a massive swig of wine before handing it back to the pip squeak pilot. "What else do they got up on the buffet?" As she spoke, there was the sound of shimmering from the room. Sitting up to see what was happening, Gavarus groaned.

"Oh, for @#$'s sake, they beamed the food away! What the effin' @#$&!"

“Well, at least we still got wine,” O’Dell muttered. “Ah wish it was beer, but we work wi’ what we got. Maybe they’ll beam in more food soon?” At that, Fiona took a few more long gulps before handing the pitcher back to Gavarus with a hiccup. “Yeah, I like that plan! Just toss me at ‘em and if naught else it’ll freak ‘em oot, aye? Stupid harem…”

Scooching over to flump on the cushion next to O'Dell , Gavarus' weight actually lifted the diminutive Maraposian up a good six inches on her side of the cushion. Taking another long swig, Gavarus was feeling a decent buzz kick back in. "N' it's a BIG jug too. So, there's that."

The two keep passing the jug back and forth for a while as they continued to gripe about their situation. After a time, Gavarus took one last swig that killed off the jug as she let out a belly shaking belch. "BRRRAAAAPPPP!!!"

That's when they realized they were all alone in the seraglio of the panjandorum.

"The fook did everyone goo?" O'Dell asked rhetorically.

Scrambling awkwardly to her proportionately small hooves, the freshly re-drunkened Gavarus stumbled slightly over the pillow covered floor. "Goddamn @#$&in' dumbass pillows! WHO NEEDS TO BE THIS GODDAMN COMFORTABLE?!?"

Kicking a stack of pillows out if her way, the tipsy Tellarite looked around. "They... they escaped and they left us here?!"

"We have REALLY got to start workin' on our social skills..." O'Dell shook her head as Gavarus twinkled away in a teleportation effect. Patiently. Fiona O'Dell waited. She'd be next, and wherever the rest of the harem had been transported, they'd get her too. Alone she might be overlooked, but she was traveling with Briaar Gavarus, and the big Tellarite wouldn't leave her little pal behind.

A few seconds stretched into half a minute, then a full minute. O'Dell ran over to grab another pitcher of wine, then sat back down on the cushion where she'd been waiting so they could get an easy lock on her for the transport. When two minutes stretched into three, she became nervous- was the unit broken? Had a fight broken out? Was she stranded here in see-through underwear who knew where in the galaxy all by herself?

Then a shimmer of light surrounded her, and O'Dell arrived in the kitchen to find her porcine pal in a heated argument, screaming and pointing at a scantily clad Caitian woman who looked genuinely afraid of the raging pork loin frothing at her. "...and you just put the transporter into a repeating cycle and feed back along the original pattern curve and that cuts your GODDAMN RECHARGE TIME IN FRICKIN' HALF!!!!

Noticing her pint-sized partner's arrival, Gavarus waved the panicking woman away. "Go 'way. FEE!!! We're out! Sorry about how damn long that took but SOME PEOPLE here don't know how to run a goddamn transporter! OOH, you grabbed more wine!"

"Aye, well, priorities and alla that!" O'Dell grinned as she hopped down off the table with the teleporter built into it. "So what'd I miss? Was there a revolt, a turnin' of the tables an'alla that? Are we saved?" O'Dell took a swing of the wine, then handed it up to Gavarus.

Taking a much longer swig, Gavarus glared at the nervous looking Caitian and pointed her two thick fingers at her own eyes, the pointed them to the Caitian's eyes, then back all while drinking. "Yeah... UURP... the... uh... other guests used the food transport pick up to get beamed into the galley where Hooo... that one with the hat and the Naga woman stole some weapons and apparently kicked much ass."

Stopping herself short of actually saying 'hooker Valkyrie and Snakebutt', Gavarus was nonetheless staring at the impossibly gorgeous, green snake woman for a bit longer than she should have before snapping her attention back to O'Dell. "Uh... so, yeah. Free!"

"Go talk to her, Bri!" The picayune pilot poked her porcine pal, nudging her to move from thought to deed. "Ye're s'far from home it ain't funny, and the only one who knows ye is me, and I'd nivvir tease ye aboot somethin like that. Go talk to the serpent and see if she wants to play a little 'pig in a poke?" O'Dell, ever the cheerful wingman, tried to convince her lovelorn pal to go try for a hookup.

But the insecure engineer wasn't going for it. "Huh? What, no. Let's just get out of here while the getting's good, Fee. Who knows how long it's going to take to get back, anyway."

Still, she couldn't stop stealing glances as she spoke. "So, uh, are there any shuttles in here we can use?"

As it appeared the former harem were going to take the ship for themselves and sell the guards into slavery- which really sounded like something as Starfleet officers they should stop, but neither of them had any particularly amazing ideas of just how to stop the crew of spectacular sirens. Instead, they were working on getting back to their command, where they could report in and someone else could take care of the slaves turned slavers.

"I found two escape pods. They're programmable, just eject and it'll get you there on a slow boat," the frictionless woman with the long coil of ebony hair indicated. "If you want to bail, that's up to you. We're going to have a party."

The concept of milling around a room full of women who made Gavarus sweat and stammer, and O'Dell just feel underdeveloped sounded somehow less appealing than a ride in a cramped escape pod to the not-particularly intrepid nor ambitious explorers. Grabbing a bottle for the road, they jammed into the escape pod and fired themselves at the resort, which wasn't that far away, it turned out.

Which gave them time to do what they did best- drink and talk shit.

...To Be Continued...