Confessions of Grief

Posted on Sat May 9th, 2015 @ 1:14am by Aewia Larani & Staff Warrant Officer Nexi

Mission: The New Sydney Fiasco
Location: Nexi/Aewia's Quarters
Timeline: Just following the Memorial

After the memorial for the fallen officers, Nexi took Aewia back to their quarters. There was a gathering in the mess hall for those who wanted to celebrate the lives now gone, but Aewia wasn't really fit to go, she was still crying too much. Maybe they would go later, but for now Aewia needed some time. Nexi did too, though she wouldn't admit it. She still didn't really know what to do with this grief welling up inside her. It would take time for her to figure it out and come to terms with it, but for now she was focused on her sister who wasn't holding things together so well.

"Hey kiddo," Nexi said as she settled her sister on the couch with a box of tissues, "can I get you anything? Water, tea... a popsicle?"

Aewia nodded, pulling a tissue from the box and wiping her eyes with it. "Cardinal Red Cream Soda please," she managed to squeak out. It was a drink she had no real memory of, but the name was in her head for some reason. All she could think about right now anyway was the friends she had lost. Not so much for those she knew but for those she didn't know. Somehow not knowing them made their loss that much more powerful, since she'd never be able to know them now.

With a nod, Nexi wandered over to the replicator to get the cream soda and a water for herself, then returned to her sister's side and flopped down on the couch. She didn't really know what to say. She assumed if Aewia needed to talk that she would, but until then Nexi simply offered a companion silence and a cream soda.

Sipping at the bright red colored soda, Aewia almost purred at how good it was. it reminded her of something, but she didn't know what. It was a hauntingly familiar flavor, either way. "Why can't I remember so much? Why is this special?" She asked, her crying calming enough for her to talk.

"You got pieces of your brain cut out, kiddo," Nexi said sadly. "Some things you'll remember, some things just ain't there anymore, that's just the way it is. And I'd love to tell you why that drink is so special but I don't know..." Because I was never there for you before now... Nexi had missed out on so much of Aewia's life, and now because of that, she couldn't even help fill in some of these holes. I'm sorry...

Smiling, Aewia caught those thoughts, though somewhat 'muffled'. At least she could somewhat share thoughts and emotions between herself and her sister now. The world around her wasn't as silent as it was for so long. You're here now and that's what counts. "I may have lost a lot, but at least I have you now, right?" Aewia said as she pulled her sister into a hug and offering her a taste of the sweet soda.

"No thank you," Nexi said to the cream soda. But she accepted the hug without a complaint. "You do know why I stayed away, right? It was to protect you."

"Mmhmm. Dad probably wouldn't have accepted you anyway. Too political minded." A few memories she still had flashed through her mind for Nexi - Aewia being photographed and playing nice for the publicity when all she wanted to do was go play with her friends or even do her homework.

"He loved you." Nexi knew that much. She had seen them in person once before, but only once, and from a distance, but she had been close enough to feel the love their father had for his family. Some part of Nexi wondered if he would have loved her too. Oh sure, he wouldn't have been able to accept her, not publicly anyway, but could he have loved her, even knowing what she did for a living?

Aewia nodded, giving her sister an odd look. "You have his eyes." She knew he had loved her and he did show it... but the hassles... he had put his career first a lot of times, though she understood why. She made the same choice in Starfleet.

"Betazoid eyes," Nexi said rolling her eyes. Not like there was much difference in eye color, but there was shape and definition... and she would know that if she bothered to look in a mirror once in a while. "We all make choices, kiddo. Sometimes they're good choices, sometimes they ain't. I guess the point is to make choices you can live with."

"Or at least choices that others can live on with." Aewia added, suddenly remembering something she hadn't before. The day she was captured and the initial torture. Shaking her head, she tried to get rid of that memory. It wasn't fair how she lost so many assumedly good memories and got to keep all of those...

Nexi set their drinks on the table and wrapped her arms around Aewia. "It's alright, it's just a memory, it'll pass," Nexi said as soothingly as she was capable. "You're with me on the Hera, and I'm not ever gonna let anything like that happen to you again," she reminded her sister with as much affecting as she could muster.

Aewia clung to her sister, the pain in her head growing. A booming pain, like being struck over and over mentally. After a minute or so it faded back, receding back into the darker depths of her mind. Shaking slightly, she nuzzled Nexi's neck, trying to get comfortable. "You've done a lot of the things they did to me, haven't you?" she asked out of nowhere.

Nexi stiffened. Yeah, that was a topic she hoped to never face with Aewia... "I don't cut out pieces of people's brains," she said in her defense, then sighed. "But yeah, the other stuff, I do that... I- I didn't want you to know if you didn't have to."

"Your dreams," Aewia said softly, holding her sister tightly. "I don't believe you enjoyed it though. It was just what you were paid to do. They did." Aewia could remember one particular 'scientist' that laughed maniacally and called her 'Bonnie-kin' every time he would send an electric jolt into her brain.

"Bonnie-kin..." Nexi said in a whispered tone. That bastard... Oh fuck, Nexi was glad that bastard was dead! Actually, no, because now she couldn't peel the skin from every inch of his body! Oh, and she would enjoy the hell outta that! His screams would be her lullaby for weeks- Nexi shook her head to disperse those thoughts, hoping like all hell that Aewia hadn't picked up on that.

She had. Clinging tighter, Aewia shuddered at the thoughts coming from her sister. "Let's just be glad he's gone and we're safe. Then again, there were others that might still be alive so you might get the chance after all."

"I can't lie to you, Aewia, sometimes I enjoy some of the things I do," Nexi said quietly, holding fast to her sister. "You got to understand, the things that have been done to me since I was just a little kid... the things I've done to get by, and then to earn my freedom... I don't like that I've had to hurt people, and I try to avoid it when I can. But sometimes... Sometimes I have to enjoy it. I don't know if that makes any sense..."

Aewia nodded and clung tighter to Nexi. "It makes sense now. It won't later though. Not with how I get. I'll get tangented off by an ice cream or a spicy food and I'll be back to having troubles remembering why the ceiling is the color it is or why it's not made of ice cream."

"But I'll still love you, even when you're like that," Nexi said, wriggling a bit to loosen her sister's grip so she could breath.

Relaxing her clinginess, Aewia smiled and looked up into her sister's eyes. "And I love you no matter what. How are you feeling though? The memorial service..."

"Not sure. Never been all that big on introspection..." But Nexi paused to think about how she was feeling. "I miss Ven, but also... I don't know... It's weird, I've never felt bad about losing people before."

"But you do now. That's what I thought," Aewia said, tears once again silently rolling down her cheeks. "These people mean something to you now, don't they? You're not used to it but you now have friends." Surprisingly lucid for he moment, Aewia kissed her sister on the cheek before leaning back against her. "Welcome to the Federation, sis."

Nexi just smiled and ruffled her sister's hair. Yeah, these people meant something to her now. She wanted to help protect them, not just protect her sister. "Thanks," Nexi said, giving Aewia a squeezing hug.

Hugging back, Aewia was getting tired mentally. She could feel her clarity and lucidiry slipping away, the sudden thought of going to a hot bathhouse with her sister popping into her head. Open air, birds chirping, and steaming water flowing over smooth granite. That would be so relaxing, she thought. "Sis, do you think the holodecks are..." she started, her thoughts slipping and leaving her not remembering what she was going to finish asking.

There was a pang of sadness within Nexi as she felt her sister's lucidity slipping away. It hurt her to watch Aewia lose a part of herself over and over... Even still, Nexi smiled. "Hey, there's this bathhouse program I've heard is really good. You wanna go with me?"

Aewia nodded, a sad smile spreading across her face. She'd been crying and she was pretty sure it was because of... of that memorial. She had known people that it was for. Soaking in a bath sounded like a good way to help relax after that so she nodded again, more sure of herself. "That sounds good. Doctor Saint John says baths can help speed recovery and stuff." she said, not remembering that he was one of the 29 that they held the memorial for.

"Well lets go then," Nexi said, rising from the couch and pulling Aewia with her. It wasn't easy taking care of Aewia, and she would be lying if she said she didn't want that to change, but there was a certain innocence to her sister when she was like this that seemed to shine a light on even the darkest parts of Nexi's soul. Nexi was better off for having Aewia in her life.