Writing Challenge: Drinking Contest with Pirates

Posted on Tue Jul 17th, 2018 @ 5:30pm by Hermes (Mercury) & Akira Zhuri
Edited on on Tue Jul 17th, 2018 @ 9:28pm

Mission: Holographic Horrors
Location: The Autolykos
Timeline: Current

Hermes' ship, the Autolykos, had been following the Hera, cloaked and staying in sensor shadows, when the storm appeared...out of nowhere, catching the ship's autopilot (Hermes and Lyra were asleep at the time) completely off guard. The ship jolted to a halt and inertial dampeners fluctuated just long enough for the sudden stop to dump Hermes and Lyra unceremoniously out of their warm bed and onto the deck, but not long enough for them to be turned into chunky salsa. Hermes shook his head to clear it, rose, and helped Lyra to her feet.

"Are you alright?" Hermes asked his lover.

"I'm alright," Lyra replied softly, but her hands were shaking slightly within his grasp. "What happened?" she asked, both curious and fearful; Lyra was not yet accustomed to living in space, so while everything new still filled her with a sense of wonder, she sometimes could not shake the fear that also followed her.

"I'm not entirely sure," Hermes replied. "Autolykos, status report."

Nothing.

"Autolykos, status report," Hermes tried again as he began to dress. "Okay, that's strange. My ship is nearly immune to most...oh Hades."

Hermes strapped on his belt and wrist devices and began to work one of the wrist devices. A holo display came up. Hermes frowned.

"Just what I thought," he said. "A dark matter storm. It should pass us by. Good news is, we're still moving, so that might speed up our passage through the storm. I could do more to ensure that from the bridge, but it looks like the self-repair systems need a little more time to get the helm up and running...so...wait, what's that sound?"

To Hermes, it sounded like a raucous party was being thrown in the main cabin of the ship. He turned to Lyra.

"We'd better finish getting dressed and go see what's going on out there," Hermes said. "Either we have stowaways or..."

A few more taps on his wrist device.

"Strange," he said. "There seems to be some kind of holo scenario running out there."

"Like a holo-suite?" Lyra asked as she finished getting dressed. She had been in a holo-suite a few times, but the Ferengi running the establishment had charged so much, she had to save up for months just to spend an hour in there, and all she wanted to do was visit someplace sunny! "Do you know what program is running? H-how did it start without any commands?" she asked; she didn't know a lot about space ships, but she knew that generally programs didn't randomly start unless given the command to do so.

"I'm not sure," Hermes responded. "Autolykos is a bit frazzled at the moment. He isn't really responding. I'm bypassing him and directly accessing the ship's systems, but many of those systems appear to be on the fritz, as the saying goes. The main cabin isn't really a holosuite, but it does have holoemitters. It sounds pretty lively out there, my love, but we've seen our share of 'lively' gatherings back on Eis Mosely. How bad can this be compared to those barroom brawls? Regardless, we need to pass through there to get to the bridge. Shall we?"

Hermes offered his arm to Lyra.

Lyra hooked her arm in his. "We have seen 'lively' but that sounds downright rowdy; are you sure it's safe?" she asked.

Hermes practically 'hmmfed'.

"Tsk, tsk, my love," he said, self-deprecating humor obvious in his voice. "I'm a GOD, remember! Okay, well, not REALLY a god, but I'm still in the neighborhood of 'god-like'! What are wads of photons in the form of men when compared to my Olympian might?"

Just then, the doors to the main cabin opened and they were suddenly in the middle of a scene of intoxication and debauchery that would have put Dionysus to shame. There were pirates, male and female, and pirate wenches...male and female. On first glance, Hermes noted at least 4 couples, two trios, and one quad engaged in drunken sexual activity. Everyone else was just drunk, plain and simple. There was the sound of breaking glass as bottles were thrown across the room. Hermes glanced towards where the entrance to the bridge would be and, standing there, blocking the path, were two pirates, both of whom had to be over two meters tall and weigh almost 140 kilograms each.

"Oookay," Hermes said. "This is a bit more lively than I was expecting. It's also going to be more disorienting to move around in there than with the normal programs. This fake room is larger than the actual room. The emitters are going to compensate for that difference as we move."

One of the female tavern wenches could be heard teasing a group of pirates.

"Hey, hoy, sailor boy, want it snugly harbored? Open be gate, but dock it straight! I see it lists to starboard!" (OOC: Sweeney Todd, Stephen Sondheim)

The wench squealed in mock terror and real joy as the pirates grabbed at her and tossed her coin, trying to win her favor.

Hermes cautiously led Lyra into the main cabin...and the door to their cabin shut and immediately disappeared, becoming one with the scenery.

"Well," Hermes said. "We're in it to win it now."

Lyra leaned in cautiously to discreetly say to Hermes, "I don't do this kind of 'lively'."

"Well," Hermes said. "I haven't really been into this kind of thing for a few thousand years, either, and even then, at least I had standards. Let's try and stroll over to the bridge and see what happens. And, uhm...try not to touch anything if you can help it."

Hermes knew the whole thing was fake, a collection of photons, but he still didn't like the idea of touching whatever photonic DNA was all over the place in this scenario.

His caution not to touch anything had Lyra gazing at everything around them with a hint of disgust and even a shudder; the place she had worked in before was a bit of a dump, but at least there wasn't copious amounts of DNA everywhere.

"Right..." Lyra said uneasily as she held tight to Hermes' arm.

Hermes and Lyra threaded their way through the crowd. They had to duck a few times to dodge flying bottles and mugs, both Hermes and Lyra had to punch out a few pirates who tried to take liberties with one or both of them (these were very open minded pirates). The finally arrived at what Hermes was pretty sure were the doors to the bridge. He looked at the two 'guards' at the door while they steadfastly ignored the faux god and his lover.

"Uhm...excuse me," Hermes said. The two guards said nothing, didn't even acknowledge his existence. He took another step closer to the doors and the two giants moved closer together to block them. Hermes was considering doing something stupid when he heard a voice behind him. He turned to face the man who was speaking to him.

"Argh, Matey," said a pirate dressing in what had once been a nice suit of clothing from Earth's 18th Century Europe, but was showing some wear and tear around the edges. He had two female pirates flanking him. "The name's Calico Jack Rackham, and these here are Anne Bonny and Mary Read. I take it ye'll be wanting to get through those doors, then?"

"Well...yes, we would," Hermes said. "What do we have to do to get past your...uhm...large friends here?"

"Ye have to prove your mettle by drinking me under the table, or drinking until I pass out!" Calico Jack said with a nasty grin on his face.

"Oh no you don't!" said the pirate introduced as Anne Bonny said. "When you get too drunk, you have problems with...mast stiffness, if ya catch me meaning, and Mary and me has plans for ye later. Me an' Mary will take these two on. They look like a couple of lightweights anyhow."

Mary Read walked up and cupped Hermes causing him to jump.

"Ha!" she said after she'd released Hermes. "Maybe not that much of a lightweight!"

Hermes actually blushed, more for Lyra's sake than his own. Drunken parties in ancient Greece and Rome were just as bawdy as this and he'd been just as bawdy while attending those. However, Lyra, while incredibly fun in bed, wasn't really into this scene.

"Uhm, let me confer with my lady before we take you up on that offer," Hermes said. He turned around and huddled with Lyra. "Well, what do you think? Can we take them? If they're simulated Humans, we've got a good chance of winning...I hope."

"I'm half human," Lyra pointed out with a pout. "My grandparents immigrated," she said in her family's defense, then thought about this challenge. "Well, these fellows may visit taverns for recreation, but working at a bar is an entirely different beast; it would be rude to turn down a drink offered by the patrons, and I got a lot of offers..." she said with exasperation. She eyed the two women who would be their challengers, then nodded. "I think I can do it."

"I have absolute faith in you, my love," Hermes said. He turned back to the pirates. "We're in. If we're still standing at the end of this, you'll let us through those doors?"

"Aye, Matey," Calico Jack said. "Right this way."

The pirate jumped on a table while Anne and Mary shooed the pirates and wenches sitting at the table away, some at pistol point.

"Alrighty, assembled lads and lasses!" he shouted. When no one even looked at him, he drew a huge flintlock pistol from his belt and fired it into the air. There was a tremendous BOOM, then a quacking noise, then a dead duck fell from the ceiling. Jack looked at the dead duck, shrugged, and pushed on, now that everyone stopped carousing and had turned their attention to him. "As I was sayin'. These two here want to go through those there doors! Do we let just anyone through those doors?"

The pirates roared and booed and and generally made a ruckus until finally Anne Bonny drew a huge flintlock pistol from her belt and fired it into the air. There was an enormous BOOM, then a honking noise, and then a dead goose fell from the ceiling. Anne looked at the dead goose where it landed, shrugged, then nodded for Jack to continue.

"Thank ye, me dear," Jack said. He turned to the assembled crowd. "That's right. Ye have to be one of us to get through those doors. And how do ye prove you're one of us?"

"Drink!" the gathered pirates chanted. "Drink! Drink! Drink!"

The pirates got rowdy again, so much so that again Calico Jack had trouble getting them to settle. Mary Read rolled her eyes. She drew a huge flintlock pistol from her belt and fired it into the air. There was an enormous BOOM, then a gobble, then a large, dead turkey fell from the ceiling, landing on a pirate's head and knocking him to the ground. Mary looked at the dead turkey, shrugged, then nodded to Jack to continue.

"That's right!" Jack said. "So it'll be a drinking contest then, between my ladies, Anne Bonny and Mary Read, and the newcomers! Come ladies and gentleman. Sit."

Hermes led Lyra to the table and took a seat. One of the barmaid brought over several jugs of what Hermes assumed was rum, and some mugs, set them down on the table, and poured four full mugs of rum.

"Ready?" Jack asked. Anne and Mary nodded, feral grins on their faces. Hermes nodded, then looked at Lyra.

"Let's do this," Lyra said and grabbed a mug, not waiting for the 'go' to start drinking.

"I like her, she's got spunk," Anne replied.

"Should make things more interesting," Mary chimed in as she took her mug and started drinking.

"And...GO!" Jack yelled.

The pirates gathered around started cheering and jeering as Anne and Mary began downing their mugs of rum. Hermes tossed back his mug and almost choked. The computer had compensated for his physiology and made his rum stronger at least. It was a good bet that Lyra's was strong, but normal strong, not hyped up like what he was being given. As the drinkers drank, the bar wenches filled up the extra mugs so as to give the contestants as little time as possible between drinks. Hermes tossed them back, one after the other. He tried to drag it out as long as possible, but he was starting to get a lightheaded. Meanwhile, Mary, who sat across from him, was also starting to sway. Hermes returned her feral grin as he began to feel like the room was starting to sway just a bit.

"What' the matter, lass? Going a bit slow there, aren't ya?" Anne remarked in between mugs as she watched Lyra take her time with her mug.

"It's called 'pacing', not that you'd know what that means, what with the kind of men you fancy in this place," Lyra shot back as she tossed her now empty mug aside and took another one. "'One and done', is that how it goes in this place? You know you might actually enjoy it if you take your time."

With that last remark, Anne threw her mug at Lyra, which Lyra was still clear-headed enough to move out of the way to avoid getting hit, but she still got a bit wet. Maybe she had that coming, but it was hardly the worst thing that had ever happened to her in a bar. Still, she felt confident in her 'slow and steady' approach and grinned at Anne.

"I don't like her so much anymore," Anne grumbled as she took another mug to replace the one she'd thrown.

The room was definitely moving now, at least from Hermes point of view, but, much to Hermes' pleasure, Mary was starting to look a little green around the gills. Hermes hoped he was still nimble enough to dodge if Mary suddenly spewed at him.

"You know shumthing," Hermes said to Mary, slurring his words. "Yur a lot betty..batty...better looking now that I'm intix...intoxi...intoxicalated...drunk. I can almosht shee what Calico Jack shees in ya!"

Mary moved to throw her mug at Hermes, but in doing so, she knocked over his mug and he bent over to pick it up just as she threw it. The heavy pewter mug smashed into the face of a nearby pirate and an knocked him unconscious. The pirates all roared in laughter. Hermes rose up again and handed the mug to a wench. He looked confused at the laughter.

"What'd I mish?" he asked unsteadily as a wench handed him a full mug. "Whats show funny?"

The crowd laughed even hard as Mary scowled at him as she sat swaying in her chair.

"Just drink, SCALLYWAG!" she yelled, and knocked back another mug full.

Hermes sighed and drank down his mug, again slowly, to try and drag things out so he didn't puke. Unfortunately going slow didn't really help. He had to match Mary drink for potent drink.

Lyra was starting to sway; she knew how to hold her liquor as much as the next barmaid, but this was getting ridiculous! Not that Anne was looking much better, but Lyra was doubting whether she could win.

"Pick up the 'pace', lassssh, yer a whole mug behind me," Anne said with a grin as she moved on to her next round.

Which meant that even if Anne managed to pass out first, Lyra would still have to match her number in order to win. They were both swaying pretty bad, but Lyra wasn't going to stop now.

Hermes was now officially drunk off his ass, three sheets to the wind, or whatever you wanted to call it. Fortunately, so was Mary Read. The two of them each held a mug full of rum as they stared each other, each trying to psych the other out.

"Drink, Drink, Drink!" Chanted the pirates.

Hermes and Mary narrowed their eyes as they sized each other up. Did they both have room for another mug of rum? Did either of them? Between his spinning head and full bladder, Hermes wasn't sure if he could get another one down. But the dark matter storm made this area too dangerous to remain in, and Hermes couldn't leave Lyra in danger, not to mention the fact that Mal and his friends were counting on him. He nodded at Mary. Mary nodded at him. On a silent count of three, the two of them raised their mugs and drank, slowly, very slowly. When they finished, the two of them sat their swaying, glaring at each other. Then, suddenly, Mary's stomach heaved, then heaved again. Stumbling in a drunken stupor, Hermes, who realized what was about to happen, half jumped, half stumbled out of his chair as he dove to the side. He got out of the way just before Mary projectile puked through the place he'd been sitting just a second before. Without him there to block the vomit, it went straight into a group of onlookers who recoiled, unsuccessfully trying to get out of the way. By some miracle, it missed Lyra. Other pirates hauled Hermes to his feet and somehow he managed to stay standing on his own. Meanwhile, Mary had passed out when she was done vomiting. Hermes had won his contest. Now it was down to Lyra and Anne.

Apparently just watching that disgusting display was enough to cause Anne to gag. She put her mug down and held her stomach, trying to keep her liquids down. She swallowed back some rummy bile, then rose to her feet, staggered a few steps, then promptly fell over, knocking over another pirate in the process. Said pirate simply shrugged, then picked up the half-conscious woman and hauled her off to someplace private where they could get better acquainted.

Lyra was not doing any better as she struggled not to lose it as well after watching Mary projectile vomit. And even though Anne was down for the count, to win Lyra needed to down one more mug. With a shaky hand, she lifted that mug off the table and started to drink; she never wanted to see another bottle of alcohol ever again! Or at the very least, no more rum...

"Done!" Lyra said with relief as she slammed her empty mug on the table, then she looked up at Hermes. "I vote we desh...desht...deshtroy thish program when you reg...regay...regain control of your ship," she said, barely able to keep her eyes open.

"Ish funny," Hermes said, swaying in place. "I have no id...hic...idea where thish program even came from..."

Calico Jack was trying to get everyone's attention again without much success. He got the attention of one of his crew, who, at Jack's nod, pulled an gigantic flintlock pistol from his belt, pointed it at the ceiling, and pulled the trigger. There was an enormous BOOM, then a grumbling, rumbling, growling type sound, and a dead emu fell from the ceiling and landed on the unsuspecting pirate's head, killing him dead. Jack looked at the dead emu and the dead pirate, shrugged, and turned back to the now silent crowd.

"Well now!" he said. "It seems that the strangers have won this contest. Shall we give 'em their reward?"

"AYE!" shouted the pirates as one.

"Ye heard the decision, ye mindless brutes!" Jack said. "Stand aside and let'em through! Best of luck ta ye, strangers! May the wind be always at yer backs!"

The huge guardians moved aside, the doors opened, and the entire scenario disappeared. Pirates, wenches, bar, and booze...all of it. The bridge could be seen through the doors. Hermes helped Lyra to lean against a couch and then stumbled into the bridge. Somehow, he managed to set the ship on a direct course out of the storm at the best, while still the safest, speed. He managed to get the autopilot working, too. Then he rose, stumbled back to the main cabin, walked up to Lyra and gently scooped her up into his arms. Barely managing to keep his balance, he carried her off to their cabin.

"Come on, Beautiful Lady," he said, a silly grin on his face. "We're to bed. Unlike Rackham, I'd don't have problems with mash...mast stiffness, even when I'm drunk!"

Lyra belched as Hermes picked her up, and then his words fell on deaf ears as she promptly started snoring.

Hermes chuckled.

"Sshleep my shweetheart," Hermes said as they crossed the threshold of their quarters. "Sshleep. You've earned it. But please don't piss the bed. I'm not into golden ssshhowers..."

Hermes lay Lyra down on the bed. He took off her shoes and got her comfortable, then set off for the head. Once there, he voided his bladder for what felt like ten minutes. When he was done, he stumbled back to the bedroom, somehow managed to get out of his clothes without killing himself, and snuggled up to Lyra under the covers, letting the warmth of her body soothe him, enjoying her pleasant presence now, since they were both going to have terrible hangovers when they woke up.